My diet lately has consisted of a lot of these.

And not a lot none of this:

I have literally turned into a COOKIE MONSTER the last week. Maybe all that baking I did was not such a good idea after all! Eric left just over a week ago and the healthiness of my food choices has gone drastically downhill. I’ve basically given up grocery shopping all together and decided to sustain myself on cookies and wine.

I’ve learned a few lessons the last week or so that Eric has been out of town.

Lesson #1: Just because your significant other is gone, it’s no excuse not to grocery shop otherwise, your fridge will end up looking like this:

Lesson #2: When you’re cooking for one, actually cook for ONE otherwise your plate will end up looking like this:

Lesson #3: Do not try to defeat the giant plate of pasta and veggies (and therefore make up for all the veggies you’ve been missing over the last several days). You will NOT succeed.

Lesson #4: Attempting to eat the above serving of pasta an hour before a Hot Yoga class? Bad, bad, TERRIBLE idea.

Lesson #5: Freezing cookies will not stop you from eating them. In fact, I’d argue it makes them taste even better.

Lesson #6: Don’t beat yourself up for eating two four dough balls and one sugar cookie in one night. It is the holidays after all. Make healthier choices tomorrow!

I am trying really hard not to restrict myself this holiday season – or beat myself up too much when I do go overboard on baked goods. All the delicious baking in my freezer is not helping with that situation!

Either way, it’s the holidays, I know I’ll be ramping up my running and yoga come January so it’s not like a few extra pounds (which I’ve inevitably put on) is going to kill me.

At the same time, when I over-do it on baking, sugary treats and heavy dinners (like I did yesterday) I don’t FEEL good physically or mentally. Physically, I feel sick and like I’m on a sugar high and mentally I start to beat myself up for eating four dough balls when I only needed one (or, ya know, two!)My goal for today is to eat foods that make me feel healthy and good! If that means a dough ball sneaks in there, so be it, but I don’t think that four dough balls are going to help me achieve that goal. I haven’t grocery shopped in over a week which is why I haven’t been able to sneak many fruits and veggies into my diet lately – another reason for my slumps. I think I’ll pick up the stuff to make a HUGE salad for dinner tonight!

How do you handle all the treats and tempting food surrounding you during the holiday season? Do you think ‘meh, I’ll work it off in January’ or do you try to resist?

I meant to post this last week but then my mom came and surprised me and blogging got put on the back burner!

First, all the comments on my post about Binge Eating blew. me. away.

It is not easy putting stuff like that out there but you guys make it so much easier with your support and thanks for touching on the topic. I plan on doing a complete follow-up post next week.

Since my blog has been getting a lot of new readers lately AND I am kind of taking it in a new, healthy living direction I thought it would be good to re-touch on my healthy living story. The last time I wrote about it I had, like, 5 readers so it would be good for a refresh!

You can find the five original posts I wrote on this subject here.

My Healthy Living Journey

For as long as I can remember I felt fat. I can distinctly remember being 8-12 years old and cutting pictures out of magazines of the women (models) that I wanted to look like. I would pour through women’s magazines for “dieting” tips and had a scrapbook full of them.

I have always been active; swimming, volleyball, baseball, hockey etc. and I’ve been working out at the gym since I was 14. My problem was with food. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I was teased for being “fat” when I was a kid and for a long time, I truly believed I was. Sure, I was a bit chubbier, but I was not fat or overweight by any means. I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food for a very long time. I did not feel comfortable in my own skin and it was a terrible thing. I’m sad to say, that when I look through old journal entries there is one common trend: Weight Loss.

In journals from 2001-2002 when I am 13-14 years old, I am writing about how I need to “stop eating junk food so I can get skinny like the girls in the magazines”. Looking back on that now makes me sad.

My relationship with my body changed a bit when I turned 16. I was in high school by that point, playing hockey 6-7 days per week and going to the gym. I felt pretty good and ate relatively healthy (though not healthy at all compared to how I eat now, but healthy for a 16-17 year old I suppose).

Here I am at 16. And if I remember correctly, this photo was taken after getting home from the gym! Looking back at this now I am SO MAD at myself for ever thinking I was “fat”.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, I did date Ashton

When I went away to college in the fall of 2006 I had already gained about 10 pounds after my first summer of working full-time and I gained another 10-15 pounds in college. Drinking and eating junk food caught up with me. Despite my active lifestyle, my weight skyrocketed. In the summer of 2007 I was my highest weight ever.

Summer of 2007:

I went back for my second year of college in September 2007 and once again got caught up in the college lifestyle. Drinking, eating and drinking some more.

Don’t get me wrong. I had a freaking blast in college. But I also gained weight and was really uncomfortable in my body. New Years 2008 I knew it was time for a change.

I started carrying a small notebook around with me and writing down everything I ate. I also started reading healthy living blogs on Glamour.com and recording my food intake through Body by Glamour.

Once I started keeping track of my food, my whole perspective changed. I had NO concept of calories in vs. calories out before, and once I figured it out I realized that I didn’t have to give up my favourite foods to lose weight, I just had to eat less of them.

Also, even though I’d always been active to an extent, I would go through periods of 2-3 weeks where I wouldn’t work out at all. Then I’d get back on the wagon for 4-6 weeks only to stop working out again. When I started recording my food intake I also started recording my workouts and stopped “falling off the wagon”.

The weight started falling off and in six months I had lost 25 pounds.

Clothes were baggy on me.

I felt better then ever!

As I delved more into the blogging world, I started experimenting with new foods. Oatmeal and Green Smoothies are just a couple of things I learned about from the blogging world!

Then, in February 2009 I did something kind of crazy.

I signed up for a half-marathon.

Despite always being active, I had never been a runner nor had I ever even enjoyed running. I mean, running is painful. I had never ran a 5K, 10K or any sort of organized race and I signed up to run 13.1 miles. What!?

My long-time readers will know that I went on to run that half-marathon, and two others in 2009. Somewhere along the way I fell head-over-heels in love with running.

Just under a year later, in January 2010, I signed up for my first full marathon, which I will run in Portland Oregon on October 10, 2010.

In May 2010, I read Eating Animals, which opened my eyes to a whole world and concept I did not know about: Factory Farming. I have not ate chicken, pork or beef since May 18, 2010. I still eat seafood occasionally but am planning on taking steps to eliminate that soon as well. I don’t know if I will ever eat meat again, but for now this lifestyle has allowed me to spend less money on groceries and I have more energy than ever before.

Now?

Now I exercise for an average of 60 minutes a day. Sometimes more. And I love it.

Now I rarely drink other than the occasional glass of wine.

Now I eat healthy, wholesome ingredients.

Do I have a perfect relationship with food and my body? Hell no. But it’s 100 X better than before. I still track my food using Spark People and I still have fat days but I take it one day at a time.

Does anyone else have a healthy living journey to share? If you have any questions, ask in the comments and I will reply to you and answer! I have a lot more to say but this blog post is getting really long as it is

Hi, I’m Amber and sometimes I binge eat.

Hiiiii Amber.

Last week I read a post that really resonated with me.

This post, Stopping When You’re Satisfied, resonated with me because for as long as I can remember I’ve had a problem with binge eating.

I’m the girl who doesn’t buy the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies, because she will make a batch and then eat the entire thing. Sometimes before they even get in the oven.

I’m the girl who goes for seconds or thirds even after she’s full

I’m the girl who has sat with a big bag of chips, continually stuffing more chips into her mouth even though she knows she needs to stop.

I’m the girl who has gone to bed with a stomachache on more than one occasion because she actually ate so much food it made her stomach ACHE.

I’m slowly getting more in touch with my hunger and food cues. I’m learning to pack up food at a restaurant to take home, to push my plate away when I’m full, that it’s OK to throw food in the garbage. I’m slowly learning this and I don’t binge eat nearly as much as I used to, but it still happens sometimes.

Sometimes, like on Sunday night when I ate two big servings of chili. And then, for some reason unbeknownst to me, had a piece of fudge and a cookie which pushed me over my limit.

I don’t really know how to explain this, or if anyone would understand, but for some reason I reach this point when I’m binge eating where the more full I am, the more I want to keep eating. The more I crave that extra cookie, that extra piece of bread, another handful of chips.

I actually get nervous when I’m in situations where there is a buffet-type setting of food and you just kind of pick away at it. On one hand, I love appie-style foods. On the other hand, I know that I will mindlessly eat and eat and eat until I go over the edge. And then, once I’m over the edge, I’ll want to eat more.

Who gets nervous around food?

Who doesn’t buy food because they know it will be too hard to resist a binge?

Me. That’s who.

A few years ago, I used to do this all the time. I would eat so much my stomach hurt on a regular basis. And then I would tell myself that the next day I could barely eat to make up for my binge.

In case you hadn’t noticed, this kind of relationship with food is very unhealthy.

And then there’s after wards. After I’ve ate so much I feel sick and other, more emotional, feelings start to set in.

I feel fat. I feel disgusting. I feel ashamed. I feel angry at myself.

Today, I have a much healthier relationship for food. For the most part, I push my plate away when I’m full, I pack up leftovers in a restaurant and I stop at one cookie.

For the most part. But it’s still a work-in process.

So, hi, I’m Amber. And sometimes I binge eat.