Reflections on pregnancy as we near the end

You can feel more than one emotion all at once and right now I feel uncomfortable and grateful at the same time. I feel ready for pregnancy to be over and not ready for it to end all at once. I feel so unbelievably lucky to have had this incredible experience of growing a human in my body and ready to no longer have a human in my body all at the same time.

For almost two years we tried to get pregnant. We talked to doctors and specialists all over Western Canada. I connected with other women battling infertility on social media. I injected hormones into my body. For almost two years every time I saw a pregnant woman out and about or a pregnancy announcement on social media I felt like I’d been stabbed in the gut with a knife. I like having control over my body so when I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) in January of 2016, it was devastating. I was basically being told my body had this thing wrong with it and there was nothing I could do about it.

Due to that experience, the underlying emotion throughout this entire pregnancy has been gratefulness. When I couldn’t stop puking over the Easter weekend I still felt grateful. When I felt nauseous all day, every day for 6 weeks straight I was grateful. When my back would ache at the end of every single day, I was grateful. Right now, when it hurts to walk because of pelvic pain and I sometimes cry out in the night from the pain of rolling over or getting out of bed, I am grateful. So grateful. And I wouldn’t trade what I’m going through for anything. I am SO LUCKY to be pregnant right now and I will never ever forget that or let the negativity / bad side outweigh the good.

At the same time, being pregnant kind of sucks and most pregnant people will tell you that. Trust me, this was not something I wanted to hear when I was dealing with infertility so if you don’t want to hear this right now – or reading this makes you angry – I give you full permission to stop reading this post now. But just because I dealt with infertility, struggled to get pregnant and this baby in my belly is a little 1% miracle baby, doesn’t make the experience any less crappy and I can and am holding both emotions at once.

I definitely didn’t realize how uncomfortable I would be, how much I would hate the way my body looks in most photos (or that it would take 30 tries to get a bump photo I liked!) or how hormonal / emotional I would feel. Also, in general you just don’t ‘feel’ good or like yourself anymore, and that’s hard, especially for 40 weeks. I also really miss running.

There are a few things I truly will miss about being pregnant though, and here they are…

Feeling the baby move

I LOVE when the baby moves. Right from that first tiny flutter I felt at 18 weeks up to the big belly movements I feel now, every single movement has been amazing. I’ve been lucky to not really have any painful kick and I’ve never thought his/her kicks were annoying. They are just a lovely miraculous little feeling of a small babe in my belly. The best.

Eric bonding with my belly

I mean obviously seeing him bond / love on a baby is going to be 100% better but I’ve loved watching him love on his little babe before it’s even born. He talks to him/her, kisses him/her goodbye every day and also gets so much joy out of watching/feeling the movements. Again, this is something that just overwhelms my heart with gratefulness because we waited for it for so long and I didn’t know if it would ever be our turn.

Pregnant workouts during the second trimester

I already miss this since I’m now well beyond the second trimester, but I loved working out during that time period when my belly wasn’t too big and I wasn’t too uncomfortable yet. I felt totally bad ass for doing so many Fitness Blender HIIT and strength workouts and rocking my 10,000 steps a day for 3 months in a row while pregnant. It felt really really good to move my body and have such an active pregnancy. I am still moving regularly now at 36 weeks but that looks like yoga with A LOT of modifications, very short walks, and slow swims once a week. I’m still teaching a boot camp class 2x per week but not actively participating in the full class anymore. I mostly stick to things like lunges, squats and upper body strength moves.

Anticipating whether the baby is a ‘he’ or a ‘she’

I am SO glad we didn’t find out the sex of Baby H. It has made these last few weeks so much more fun! It’s fun to imagine having both a son AND a daughter. It’s fun to brainstorm names for both. I am feeling really excited to find out, but also not ‘dying to know’ yet either if that makes sense. I will know when we know. I cannot wait to have Eric be the one to announce it to me in the delivery room though 🙂 <3 If we are ever lucky enough to get pregnant again I would consider finding out the sex of the baby, just to experience both sides of the coin. But I’m definitely very glad we did not find out for this first babe.

Well, that turned into a bit of a monster post 🙂 So I will leave it at that!

If you are pregnant or have been pregnant before what did you like about it and will miss and what was your least favourite thing about it?

21 Responses

  1. Lisa says:

    It’s hard being pregnant, you are expected to be “glowing” and ecstatic at all times. And yes, we are happy and excited and grateful and thankful…but at the same time, puking your guts out for 10 weeks SUCKS. And all the other “fun” things that come with pregnancy. LOL People need to be less judgmental about the rollercoaster of emotions pregnant women have. It’s ok to feel it all!

  2. Lisa of Lisa's Yarns says:

    I wish I was more like you and could embrace being pregnant. And I incredibly grateful that we conceived so easily but I really dislike being pregnant because of how bad my RA has been. It could be worse as I could be puking and have RA flares. But the flares alone suck and I really miss working out. I know it will be all worth it in the end and I am sure there will be aspects I will miss, like feeling the baby when it kicks (haven’t felt movement yet). But overall it’s something I won’t miss all that much. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I feel like I should be loving every moment but the truth is that I just don’t. 😔 If I didn’t have RA and was still able to be active I might feel different. But there’s no knowing if I would ever have a typical pregnancy with dormant RA. It’s hard to think about going through this again and we don’t have to decide to for awhile but maybe with time I will feel differently and more open to being pregnant again.

    All that said I am so glad you got your miracle baby. And I really commend you for always focusing on the positive and being so grateful for all of it!

    • Emilie says:

      I hated being pregnant and thought I’d never want to do it again. Now I am starting to feel ready, and this time I think it’ll help knowing how worth it, it is. You seriously forget as soon as that baby is in your arms. I’ll be better prepared for how much pregnancy sucks too. Not enough women talk about the crummy aspects of it which results in all these guilty feelings over not enjoying it.

    • Kelly says:

      I didn’t forget how crappy it was when the baby came but I totally agree it is SO worth it.

  3. Lori says:

    This is something that I’ve thought about before, I’ve honestly never tried to get pregnant but I have never believed I would deal with it well. There have been times when I’ve had conversations about would I consider trying and there have been those who I would have tried with. When I first met my husband he didn’t want more children and I accepted that from the start. I absolutely want to be a foster mom and that is a part of our long term plan. I’ve watched my friends go through some really frightening and or unpleasant things while pregnant. My best friend could not keep food down for the entirety of her 2 pregnancies. Another close friend very nearly died due to complications. I love that you are able to express the 2 sides of the emotions so well. It is absolutely a miracle and you would never ever trade this BUT there are also the hard things that are very real. I love that y’all didn’t find out, I never would be able to do this, but I love when parents do choose for the surprise! I’m excited for you and you look STUNNING in your pictures!!! They are beautiful!!!

  4. Emilie says:

    I didn’t enjoy being pregnant at all, and constantly felt guilty for those feelings becaus I WAS so grateful. I do miss the kicks, the anticipation, the excitement. I have a short torso, and started showing so quickly, and ran out of room for Noah, so I got uncomfortable pretty quickly. The body image was a struggle for me too, mostly because of how quickly I got huge, and all the comments about my dates being off or questioning if there was really only one baby in there. It got annoying. But, being on the other side of pregnancy is wonderful and worth every single sucky moment. Motherhood has been such an enormous blessing and the greatest joy of my life. I’m so excited for you to experience it so soon! Thinking of you lots in these final few weeks, friend! xoxo

    • Amber says:

      Yes! I think you and I have similar body types. I also started showing very early and had many many comments about having twins in there or “are you sure you’re not due in October?” UGH! People! So yes the body image stuff has been a bit more challenging than I thought it would be for sure, especially after wanting to have a baby belly so badly for so long!

  5. Right after I had Emery and had a little time to get over the entire birthing experience, I missed being pregnant like crazy. I had so much pain at the end and I was so uncomfortable, but I think with her birth story and everything that happened, I missed the sense that I knew she was in there safe.

    Even a year and a half later, I still get sentimental about knowing I was growing a person and keeping her safe from the outside world.

  6. Susan says:

    Good job on keeping it real. I’m very happy and grateful to be pregnant- 19 weeks tomorrow- but I know I am on the “honeymoon” trimester and yesterday I also got diagnosed with carpal tunnel 🙁
    I have friends who struggled to conceive and who had terrible complications every step of the way in pregnancy so I am overall very very grateful too. That’s something that resonates with me! Excited you will have a little babe soon!

  7. Creen says:

    I went into pregnancy thinking I would hate it. Growing up I had a pregnancy phobia so I was pretty much terrified. Well, I have to say it was 100% better than I expected. That being said, I had a pretty perfect pregnancy. No morning sickness, I didn’t get too big, I never felt uncomfortable. We have decided we are one and done but I have a feeling my second pregnancy would not be able to be that good.

    • Amber says:

      I’m so glad you had such a great pregnancy though! Honestly, even though I’ve had some very not fun parts of my pregnancy it’s overall been very easy and good and healthy.

  8. Kelley had the same emotions you are dealing with. After 5 years and 2 IVF cycles, she was grateful to be pregnant, but was also an absolute monster during the pregnancy and hated being pregnant. Then only 3 months after weening baby #1 she got pregnant with baby #2. I tried to be supportive but could barely stand to be in the same room as her most of the time. It was terrible for everyone. Going from laughter to screaming (“WHAT MOOD SWINGS”) in < 3 seconds. Emotional distress, hormonal disruption, you name it.

    We thought about trying for #3, but #2 was such a difficult child to deal with the thought of having another one like her made us afraid to try. And I'm not sure our marriage would have survived a third pregnancy. Now she doesn't remember being that difficult to deal with but I still have nightmares about it.

    The duality of what you are feeling is very real and more common than you think. You're not alone here.

  9. TravelSpot says:

    You look beautiful! I am glad to see that you are chronicling some of the ups and downs of this phase of your life, as I am sure that just like most things, soon you will forget what it was like when you were in the moment. After I ran my first marathon, right after I crossed the finish line, a lady asked me what I thought and I said that it was good but I would probably never do another one again. She said that she knew what I meant, and that had been how she had felt about pregnancy/childbirth, but that she had had many kids, and that once I forgot how hard it was, I would be back for more. I thought I would never forget the experience; how could I, it was my FIRST. But I soon forgot! And so writing it down is so important.

    I also think that to achieve anything good, there is a struggle. There are ups and downs of course, but you definitely have to fight for what you want, and I think that you have done that! This phase may soon be over, but soon you will enter a new and exciting next phase, which will also be full of extreme joys and challenges. You are up for it! You are going to have so much fun!

  10. Nora says:

    Can’t wait to find out if Baby H is he or a she! I have no pregnancy experience obviously but what you are saying about how you felt is a common thread among all my friends. Thanks for sharing so candidly with us! <3

  11. Stephany says:

    It’s been so much fun to follow along on your pregnancy journey, and I appreciate how honest you’ve been about it. I know you wouldn’t trade being pregnant for anything in the world, but it’s also okay that being pregnant hasn’t been the easiest for you. It’s hard work growing a tiny human! I think it’s so cool that you’ve waited to find out the sex and will have Eric announce it in the delivery room – what a special moment that will be.

  12. Kelly says:

    Fully understand the conflicting emotions 🙂 There are some fun things about pregnancy, even though I’d never say I miss it. The baby moving is the best part (in my opinion) and once the baby is here, he or she (I think she, but anyway) will be cuddling and giving their first smile and laughing, eventually talking and SO MANY THINGS that to me is the best time. I know I’ve said this a hundred times but I am SO excited and happy for you!

  13. Beautiful post <3

    I am so happy for you two that it is finally your turn. You are going to make great parents, and your little baby is already so loved by both of you.

    Your hair looks GREAT in these photos! So vibrant!

  14. Britt says:

    I hated being pregnant so much. I felt terrible all of the time and I didn’t recognize myself in my body. It took a long time for me to decide that I’d like to have another baby at some point – mostly knowing that pregnancy doesn’t last forever! My favourite part about the whole experience was feeling her move – and holding her when she was out!

    Sending you so much love and hope that your wee babe doesn’t want to stay in there too long! 🙂

  15. Alison says:

    I LOVED reading this, such a beautiful post. I am so excited for you!! Cannot wait to hear if it’s a boy and girl and the name!! I LOVE hearing the names. Enjoy these last few weeks!

  16. San says:

    I think it’s totally valid to feel grateful (especially after how hard it was for you to conceive) and still feel “over’ the pregancy side effects … it’s sometimes surprising, but yes, you can hold both (seemingly opposite) feelings at the same time.
    Luckily, it won’t be much longer until you hold your miracle baby in your arms… can’t wait to find out if it’s a he or she.

    Oh, and for what it’s worth (and even if you only shared ‘the best’ bump pictures with us)… you looked wonderful being pregnant!

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