This post last week on She Wears a Red Sox Cap sparked my interest. In it, Kelly talks about how she’s always had guy friends and her opinion on girls and boy’s who are friends.
I wasn’t the girl who was friends with the boys. Even though I’ve always had guy friends, I’ve never been really close with them. I guess me and Eric were pretty close for like a month before we started dating, but clearly we started dating eventually and I liked him for about five months before we started dating so clearly we were never “just friends.”
Now girl friends, that’s a different story. I’ve always had close girl friends and even though I know a lot of women who say they don’t get along with other women/girls because they are too catty, I’ve never been that girl. Throughout my life, the people I was always closest with were my girlfriends.
Now, on the subject of whether or not girls and guys can be JUST friends. I’m torn on that topic. A part of me says yes, I mean I have lots of guy friends after all. But, at the same time, I wouldn’t consider any of my guy friends “super close friends” and I never hang out with guys alone.
Most of Eric’s friends are guys too and, to be honest, I don’t know how comfortable I would be with him hanging out with girls, especially alone.
All that being said, I know that some guys and girls are friends, good friends. Some of my close girl friends are really close with their guy friends so I see it happening. I also see that more often than not, one of the two people in the relationship is harbouring feelings for the other person (like mine and Eric’s “friendship”).
Like Harry said, men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Amen.
What do you guy’s think? Are you a girl with a lot of guy friends or a guy with a lot of girl friends? Can guys and girls JUST be friends? Do you/would you get jealous if your SO hangs out with the opposite sex?
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh my gosh! The story of my life!
I’ve always been closer with girls. I went to an all-girls school from the time I was 10 until I graduated high school and I was fortunate enough to find friends who are still like family. I seriously don’t know what I would do without them. But I never really found that at college. I have friends that I’m close to, but college was where I first discovered how catty even my friends could be and started hanging out more with guys. But I didn’t really ever get super-close with them either, except one, who knows me so well and well, that’s a problematic relationship, because he has an amazing girlfriend and has never been interested in me. So I guess I have to agree with you, Amber. It does seem that when a guy and a girl are really close, one of them is usually harboring feelings of some kind.
But I wonder if it’s easier for guys to just be friends with girls?
I think that in “most” relationships between members of the opposite sex, one of the members of the relationship usually likes the other – at least that is what I have always noticed.
I love When Harry Met Sally! I definitely think guys and girls can be friends, but I’ve never been best friends with a guy I was just friends with, so I definitely think the close-ness factor is higher in girl relationships.
I’ve always been a girl who has close guy friends, and Mister has always had close girl friends, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think that no matter who your bf/gf/husband/wife is friends with, more than gender what’s important is who are their friends? What kind of advice & guidance are they going to give them?
I would WAY rather Mister hang out with one of his girl friends than the guys he hung out with in high school. His girl friends are solid & bright, & some of his old guy friends are into strippers, gambling, and sleeping around. The ladies are much better company for him, for both of our sakes.
I think the problem can really be how people handle their opposite gender friendships, they’re secretive about them, don’t introduce their significant other to them & set the situation up so that it’s weird. And when they do, often times it’s because it IS weird. But I love that I can hang out with all my high school friends from the boys school that was our ‘brother school’ and know that Mister trusts me.
If a friend gets weird with me, be it sexually, the kind of guidance they’re giving me, or the kinds of things they’re doing in their life, I know where my lines are and there’s no give on them. Mister is the same way, and it means we can have a ton of freedom & a lot of fun. And no drama, thank god.
hmmmm….. I say it can happen. I’ve not been close with either girls or guys until i got older. Though in college, i had a few good guy friends, but admittedly emotions, feelings eventually got in the way.
People DEFINITELY assume that when they see a guy and a girl together who are close friends, they have to be more than that. I always fall to that presumption too. But one of my close friends is SUPER close friends with a guy and it’s just that – friendship. She says that at this point they’re so close that if they were to go out it would be like being with her brother. So it’s just not happening apparently lol
It seems like it gets more difficult as we get older. I still have a lot of guy friends, but now that I’m in a serious relationship I wouldn’t think to hang out one on one unless it was something like meeting for coffee. I think as we couple off many of us gravitate toward “couple friends”, also, which is a whole different dynamic.
I’m not jealous of my boyfriend’s friends who are girls, but I doubt I’d love it if one of them came over to hang out with him at home. It’s definitely a fine line. It’s not about trust really, as much as just the social implications. I still have good guy friends from college who I think of like brothers, but as our respective relationships get more serious I think the dynamic tends to change a little.
At one point in time the guy and the girl will fall for each other….it just happens because relationships are based off friendship to begin with
I’ve ALWAYS had better guy friends than girl friends – I’ve always had maybe one or two close female friends and the rest of my group was all guys. I always found girls too “catty” to be tight with and I was into the same things as the boys so why not hang out with them? My best friends have always been guys. It’s a little bit different now that I’m married, though … I still have close guy friends but I don’t hang out with any of them alone (and Nathan doesn’t hang out with any of his female friends alone). I’m glad we’re doing things that way (I wouldn’t be comfortable if he was always hanging out with his female best friend!) but it’s been hard for me because I don’t really HAVE any close female friends here in Alberta, so I get lonely sometimes. I guess I just have to learn how to relate better to girls …
I think guys and girls can be “just friends”. In my past experience there’s usually a point where one is interested in the other for a brief period of time but if you get it out of the way and deal with it – well, it probably won’t creep back up. I didn’t date any of my guy buddies – they always tried to set me up with their friends and I did the same!
My best friend is a woman, but two of my closest friends are guys. One is a guy who was a roomate in college and we have never harboured any feelings for each others (in fact his girlfriend is now one of my close friends too) and it just works. Another is actually an ex boyfriend from years ago, and although it took about a year to transition to a true friendship withno feelings on either side, it’s all smooth sailings now. In fact, he was one of the guys from my post about ‘just another coffee night with the guys’ the other night.
It can happen and it can be drama free, but I definately think when there is any romantic intentions or attraction on either side it’s a whole, tricker ballgame.
In high school I had a lot of guy friends BUT I had a boyfriend, and the guys I was friends with were his friends for the most part; we would hang out even if he wasn’t around and at that point we really were just friends.
Two years ago I had a guy roommate and we were JUST friends. We acknowledged early on that we had a crush on each other but because we were living together it was a bad idea to do anything about it and so we became the best of friends. More like brother/sister relationship.
I also have to say that I’ve been friends with guys onlyto find out that they loved me and wanted more and so that quickly ended the friendship. So I suppose it can go both ways, depending on the people!
My best friend of about 8 years is a guy. It actually started out as a mutual attraction but I lived in Texas and he lived in New York so we never actually dated and it just turned into a very close friendship. It’s weird that while we have both dated other people, my boyfriends never had a problem with him but his girlfriends always hated me. Which I couldn’t understand since we had the huge distance between us and rarely even talked when one or the other of us was in a relationship. Nothing felt as good to me as when he got a new girlfriend and I knew he was really happy. It was just a friendship where we had this almost psychic connection and knew when something was wrong for the other. I knew he’d always be there for me and I would be for him.
About a month ago after not having spoken in about 4 months (he was in a new relationship and I was keeping my distance after past experiences with his girlfriends) I had a bad feeling and decided I’d wait till the weekend and then contact him. A few days later I heard from him before I had a chance to call. Relationship issues. I just offered him a listening ear and let him know I was there. Then shortly after that he told me that it was obvious girls in his life thought I was more than a friend and that I “should probably just leave (him) alone.” His words. We haven’t spoken since and it breaks my heart. I don’t see how their relationship will last with this obvious lack of trust but I wish him happiness and hope he finds it. Even if I can’t be in his life. (I guess I should have said “ex-best friend” in the beginning)
So yes. That long story (sorry!) was my way of saying I believe some men and women CAN be just friends. However, anyone they’re in a relationship with also needs to be clear on the friendship and understand that it is nothing more. I guess some people can’t have close friends of the opposite sex without involving more and they don’t understand when they have a significant other that does. I think it mostly just depends on the person.
I think for me, I have close relationships with guys because I am the only female in my position at work, and so I am friends with the guys at work – but they pail in comparison to my girls!! So I think it IS possible to just be friends, but I don’t think it’s possible to be the best of friends without some sort of attraction or tension….it’s inevitable!
hmmm I definitely think boys and girls can be friends, but not in every circumstance.
For example, some of my closest friends are boys, but they’re boys I’ve grown up with since grade 1-4. We weren’t really close friends until High School and sure I occasionally had a crush on some of them, it was nothing serious and I never actually dated any of them. Also, they’ve always known and been friends with my boyfriends, and me with their girlfriends as necessary through the years.
In university I had TONS of guy friends, many that I’d hang out with solo on a regular basis. Yes, some of us did end up hooking up, but they never evolved into relationships and we went right back to being friends afterwards.
These days, I have guy friends who I’d totally hang out solo with, but none who are super close. But they’re mostly guy friends through AB, or bf’s of my girlfriends. There’s definitely nothing there sexually, but that’s also because we both know that one or both of us is in a committed relationship.
As for AB, he doesn’t hang out with a lot of girls, and none one-on-one but I wouldn’t mind if he did really. I know he has some female friends like I do male friends and they’re not a threat to me. But random girls I don’t know? Yeah I sometimes get a teensy bit jealous inside.
I’ve always had more boy friends than girl friends. Easier to hang out with, talk with, etc.
i’m also torn on this topic. for me, i have guys that i consider just friends, but know that some of them have had feelings for me in the past and it’s put me in an awkward spot when they admit it. my boyfriend is just friends with a lot of girls. he doesn’t really hang out with them alone, but he has gone to a few birthday parties of his girl friends alone and i was fine with it. i know he’s not going to do anything to hurt our relationship.
i guess if i had to say yes or no, i’d say that almost always, one of the people has romantic feelings for the other person and most of the time it’s not reciprocated.
I have guys that I am friends with, but my best friends have always been girls. I am actually kind of skeptical of girls who don’t have any close girlfriends and surround themselves with guys. I kind of don’t trust them. My friends & I have talked about this and always think it’s a red flag when we meet someone who says she doesn’t have any close girl friends.
It’s really hard to be friends with a guy. I think Harry was right. Someone always seems to want more.
Wow, sometimes it’s scary how alike we are! LOL!
I feel the exact same way but even more extreme, I barely had any guy friends! In elementary school, it was easy but during middle school, I saw every guy as a potential boyfriend and was too shy! I was always jealous of girls who had lots of guy friends. I found it easier to get along with girls and had the most fun with them.
I’ve gotten more guy friends as I’ve grown up and they are such a different friend to have! It’s such a different dynamic!
I think, if you’re not in a relationship, it’s okay (and possible!) to be just friends with a guy/girl. Of course, when you’re in a relationship, it may be difficult for your partner to see it that way. I know that, if Husband were spending alone time with a girl friend, I’d be jealous … The same goes for if I were to spend time with a guy friend. Ultimately, you must choose who is more important.
In high school, I had plenty of male friends who were JUST friends, nothing more. There was no physical attraction, but I enjoyed their company as friends.
I am a girl with more dude friends then girl friends. Its always been that way. I find it easier. Also growing up there was me and my cousin Cheryl for girls so we had no choice but to hang out with boys. Plus it was a personal choice, the boys just simply had more fun. I have a bunch of guy friends that are just friends and nothing has ever gotten in the way of our friendship, even when i was in relationships it wasn’t problem and now that i’m married its still all good.
I have always had more “guy” friends vs. “girl” friends. Unfortunately most of the females that have crossed my path (both in youth and adult life) are the catty/jealous type. I can’t be bothered with that style of person.
To answer your questions:
~Can guys and girls JUST be friends?
YES! Absolutely! However…it requires a certain type of a girl to be able to hang out with the guys. You have to stand your ground and make it very clear to these boys that you are JUST friends – nothing more. Once you establish this – you are good to go. I have had some wonderful friendships with my guy friends!
~Do you/would you get jealous if your SO hangs out with the opposite sex?
Not at all! But then again I am a very rare exception to the female population. I encourage my husband to talk to and meet as many people that life brings our way. There is no time for jealousy in my world. Thats just plain silly and immature!
I have lots to say on this topic…. So much so that I took a few notes
1) I’ve always had a lot of guy friends. And I think I get along better with guys most of the time. But I also have a GREAT group of girlfriends. I kinda feel like I need *both* to be happy.
2) As you get older (I’m 30), it becomes harder and harder to maintain friends of the opposite gender, especially as people couple up/get married, etc. There was a long period after college where I didn’t have many guy friends at all and I totally suffered. Luckily, I have some guy friends at work and that helps a lot. I also enjoy hanging out with my boyfriend’s friends a lot. Which is nice because he’s not here… so it’s kinda like hanging out with him. Kinda.
3) I do believe guys and girls can just be friends– to an extent. There’s *always* going to be room for miscommunication/flirtation/romantic feelings. And I think it’s just natural, but it doesn’t mean people have to ACT on them. Some of my guy friends are a LOT different than my boyfriend. They’ll do things with me that he would never do. But I know my boundaries and so do they. Plus, guys don’t usually get wrapped up in that kind of thing.
4) I struggle with jealousy a lot. One of my boyfriend’s best friends is a girl… who also happens to be his ex. It was hard for me to accept for a loooongggg time. But she’s a super cool girl and she and I have become friends–even without him. It took me realizing that they are JUST friends (despite their previous relationship) to really accept it. I don’t think *either* one of them would get back togther with the other. And I think they both respect me enough to not act on any residual feelings they might have. I would never “not allow” him to hang out with her. But, I’d never “not allow” him to hang out with his guy friends, either. It’s important to have friends/interests outside of the relationship.
Again– good,, thought-provoking topic!
I’ve always had more girlfriends than guys bc I was never confident around guys. Now that I know my place AND have a bf, I’m much more comfortable around guys and sometimes, more so than around girls because I feel like I’m not being judged as much. That being said, my closest friends are the ladies.
It depends on the girl. If I know the girl and am sure they just have a friendship, I’m fine with him hanging out with her once in a while.
Girls and boys can be close friends. It all depends upon the person involved, some cannot handle its platonic nature while some are satisfied with the closeness.
The virtue of true friendship goes beyond the physical, attraction may be inevitable but attraction fades when satisfied, friendship however does not.
It’s funny, even though I did write that post and talk about how I love my guy friends and I need them in my life (or especially did when I was younger and a bit crazier), girl friends are still my close friends. I am 100 percent not against having guy bridesmaids, but I didn’t because my closest friends are girls and Eric wanted to have my brother. I love my guy friends but I definitely see them less and not necessarily completely purposefully, I usually hang out with them in a group, or Eric is there, or we are in a public place- I wouldn’t just go watch a movie with one of them alone at their apartment- though to be honest I can’t recall the last time I did that with a girl friend either haha.
I don’t have a ton of guy friends. I mostly have girl friends and know guys through my boyfriend. but we aren’t close. I had more guy friends in high school. and I liked having them but we weren’t super close either. and I did develop a big crush on one of them– along with all my other girl friends (you can just imagine the ensuing drama, yes?)
and I agree with Harry. the sex part does eventually get in the way. how can it not? if you are really that close with a person, then you must like them on some level, and eventually you are going to wonder, hey! maybe this person and I would be good together on another level.
I think there are exceptions to the rule, of course, there always is, right!? but by and large, I think Harry’s statement holds true.
oh, and I love that movie!
especially that coffee shop scene. too funny!
One of my favourite movies. I think Harry is very wise. I’ve had lots of male friends, and at some point I have either been attracted to them or jealous when they have a girlfriend. Then if something does happen the friendship is in limbo, even if you don’t want anything more, you kinda wonder why aren’t we more.
Great question!
Most of my friends are male, but thankfully T gets along with them and has never felt threatened by him. All of his friends are guys, pretty much – I’d like to think I would be secure enough not to feel jealous if that wasn’t the case, but I don’t really know for sure!
I think there are limited situations and types of friendships where it can work. The manfriend has a few girls as friends. However, most of them he rarely sees and when he does see them, it’s at a bike race or we go out to drinks together with these friends. I do think a lot of guy/girl friendships however are more out of convenience that a relationship would complicate things. I had a few guy friends in high school, but mostly I just hung out with girls.