I’ve kind of been struggling with blog ideas the last couple days and then I found this post sitting in my drafts. I may have been a little angry when I wrote it but I think it’s an interesting post and I still stand by it’s message.
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If I had a nickel for everytime someone said to me, “Oh, I had a boyfriend when I was your age, too.” I would be rich.
Nine times out of ten when an older (i.e. married with kids) person finds out that I have a long-term boyfriend, who I’ve been dating since high school, they say the above sentence.
They say it in a way that implies, I had a boyfriend when I was your age but it was obviously just a fling because we were so young and we broke up and now I have a husband.
I love each and everyone of my friends, I really do. Single and taken ones alike. But don’t tell me that having a long-term boyfriend prevents you from growing up properly or figuring out who you are.
Bullshit.
How many people can say that they have been with a guy since they were 16, done long-distance not once, not twice, but three times, had their significant other give up his job to move 1,000 km away from home and then move 1,000 km back a year later, have broken up, but always gotten back together and supported each other through family illnesses, through tough decisions, through hard times.
You know what I want to say to these people, “I am making hard choices every single day that I wouldn’t have to make if I was single.”
Isn’t making incredibly hard choices part of growing up?
Things may have been easier if we never got back together in high school. But we did and since then we have made tough choices and we’ve sacrificed things because we love each other and want our relationship to stay alive and grow.
I am incredibly proud of the person I am today and I wouldn’t be this person if it wasn’t for Eric.
All that being said, I do realize that some women (and men) are too dependant on their relationship and that has prevented them from growing up, especially if they’ve been with that person since they were 16.
But don’t judge my relationship because I’ve been with someone since I was 16.
What do you think; do you need to be single to properly experience life and grow-up? Have you had to make hard choices in your relationship that have defined who you are?
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
My life would be unimaginably easier without my bf. I hope I don’t sound bitter when I say that, because I really am not. I say it because like you, we’ve done the LDR. We’ve been through unquantifiable stress – family, financial etc. I’ve had to support him all year and financially am a lot worse off because of this. But on the flip side, my life would be a lot emptier without him too, and I’m glad to have him around.
I’ve been single a long time and I’d often imagine how my life would have been different if I was in a relationship. Being single made it easier for me to go back to school after graduation, quit jobs, move to another country, etc. It definitely provides more freedom methinks. On the other hand, I’d want somebody to share my days too.
I don’t think you need to be single to properly experience life, but I do think you have to know who you are as an individual in order to be part of a couple. Having said that, anyone who knows you (and yes, I consider myself one of those people!) know you’re a strong, independent woman. Just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you’re going to be clingy and needy and dependent. Ugh. People who say crap like this annoy me. And I don’t have kids yet – no offense to anyone out there who does, but I am very aware of how sometimes people with kids act superior to those of us that do not have them. Like we don’t really know what love is until we have a child – I’m wondering if sometimes people who are married do the same thing to unmarried people – “oh you’ll understand when you’re married” or something like that.
I don’t think you need to be single to really experience hard decisions. In many ways, it is easier being single because your decisions, for the most part, only impact one person. So having to take another person into your considerations makes those decisions harder to make alot of the time (in my opinion).
And I would just ignore all those nay sayers. Screw ‘em! After all – my parents were high school sweethearts. Started dating at 16, voted best couple senior year, and will celebrate their 40th anniversary this December.
Oh, Amber, I had a boyfriend when I was your age, too.
And I married him.
)
i feel like thats not a usual thing to find someone like that when youre so young. you are LUCKY and it proves how much you two were meant to be <3
I don’t think you need to be single, but I do think you need to be independent inside a relationship. I don’t think it’s healthy to depend completely on the person you’re with–you can still make decisions for yourself when you’re with someone, be that married or in a committed relationship.
Some people are just judgey and like to pass that on to others. Screw ‘em! You’re happy–enjoy it.
I think you can DEFINITELY experience life and grow as a person when you’re in a relationship, there’s no specific need to be single to do so. Personally though, the part that I love about being single is that I only have to focus on ME and making ME happy.
I really wouldn’t worry about what others have to say. It’s private and personal, and noone knows the “us” that is you and Eric better than the both of you!
your reasoning for having a boyfriend throughout the years is precisely why I didn’t want a boyfriend at that age. I would date, but i never wanted to commit because i didn’t want to have to make the hard decisions to do long distance relationships, or figure out what to do because i have another person in my life. I wasn’t willing to give up the simplicity that was called life while being single at the time. now, I appreciate being in a relationship, it is much harder, much more challenging, and I’ve grown up so much because of being in a relationship. If i wasn’t in this relationship i don’t think I would be the person i am today.
you’re doing things your way, who cares what others think!
OH boy, I definitely remember getting those comments ALL. THE. TIME. from my mom’s married friends when I was with The Ex. It was definitely frustrating but I just ignored them.
You know L-Rock and I have been together since I was 16 too. Now that we’re over the 5 year mark the “Oh, I had a high school boyfriend too” has been replaced with”Where’s the ring, where’s the ring, where’s the riiiiiiiiiiing?!”
People never stop having an opinion on your relationship. It is so strange.
Everyone has their own path and everyone has tough decisions to make regarding their own life. A tough decision for me may have been an easy one for you. I think too many times we compare our lives to the lives of others and it just doesn’t work that way. Everyone matures at different levels and grows up at different ages. Everyone wants different things… when I was 21 I wanted to party, party, party… and that was okay! lol!
I think you can definitely, definitely, definitely experience life in a relationship!! It’s not like you’re holding back on things you want to do because of Eric, you are both leading your own lives while still being together and I think it’s great!
I believe it just depends on the person. Some people experience things better when they’re alone. I, however, am like you. Even though Husband and I haven’t been together “officially” since 16, I was 16 (he was 18) when we met and I fell in love with him. (And as you know, we got married when I was 19.) I don’t think I would have experienced life the way I did WITHOUT him.
I had a boyfriend when I was 16 …
And we are married now.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
I honestly think each person is different.
I have been single periodically throughout my life and it forced me to grow in a different way, I think , because I was dealing with hurt, confusion and pain. But I grew nonetheless.
When I’m in a relationship I still grow, just maybe in a different way than I would if I was single.
All this to say that as long as your growing and don’t have your head in the clouds, who is to say how you’re living your life isn’t right? What matters is that YOU think you’re living your life the way you want it to be lived.
Everyone will always have opinions, something to say, something to tell you that your’e doing “wrong.” Sometimes they say things out of worry (as in they don’t want you to get hurt) other times out of experience (as in they regret something they did or didn’t do) and other times, I think it’s out of not understanding (which is probably the most common one!?)
Life, whether single or coupled, is tough. Decisions are at every corner. It’s up to us to make the right ones, at least at the time, and move forward with joy in our heart and smiles on our faces which is what it seems to me you’re doing.
xoxxo
I think that people say that because they think back to their experiences and how it didn’t work out – because lets face it, most relationships don’t work out and most of us don’t find the men that we later marry until we’re in the mid to late 20′s. That’s just how it is, but to say that that’s how it will be for you, is completely wrong. Each person is different and each relationship is different.
That all being said… I married at 22 and divorced at 23. I changed dramatcially after that – and had I not had that boyfriend who later turned into a husband, I probably would’ve changed before then. Meaning, if I didn’t have that comfortable spot to lean on and who protected me… I would’ve tried more things and experienced more on my own..which did happen, but happened after my divorce and those experiences caused me to grow up. So, don’t take it the wrong way when people say those things, they’re only drawing from their experiences and they want the best for you.
I had a boyfriend all through college…he graduated…I went on to try something new….we both moved…he went to university…and since I was married to him at that point, I went with him.
I could write a…well, very long essay (:p) on all the crap we had to deal with and the changes that we have made…yet we still stay together…we still compliment each other, and I still look forward to seeing him everyday.
The same people who say that to you are the same people who say to me “oh, you just wait until you have been married a few years and that will die down”…well, no, we haven’t been married 10 years even (just over 6 really) but we aren’t newly weds either. He is still the one I want to spend most of my time with.
Sorry girl, definitely struck a nerve there!! I have no patience for those people!! And I say, prove them wrong!
WOW whos says that?? I think regardless of if your in a relationship, married, single or whatever your in, you have to make decisions. Any part of life isn’t a walk in the park lol Seriously i hate when people hint or imply their life experiences on others and assume that because it was a certian way for them that it basically covers the human race!!! If you can’t properly figure out who you are on your own or while your in a relationship then you have bigger problems. In my opinion you don’t ever loose who you are when your a relationship and you sure a shi+ don’t stop growing, and if you do your missed up and need to find yourself right quick.
If you and Eric are happy that’s all that matters, don’t ever let anyone tell you different or how your life should be!!!
Don’t listen to anyone but yourself Amber!! LOL You knew yourself well enough at 16 and you knew Eric enough to start a relationship…..as far as i see it your one of the lucky ones that found your someone early
PS I have some news for you
I had a boyfriend when I was 16 too and married him after having a LDR. We had our share of ups and downs but managed to come out of the downs and became more stronger and successful in our lives. So, plainly ignore without having any anger against those people. You know, I think people just want to find inconsistencies in other peoples’ lives and take pleasure out of it. So just ignore ‘em and do what is best of you and your bf. …. xoxo
Can you just tell me that at some point, some day, before I’m dead, I’m gonna get some grandchildren???
besides Webster. I love webster, but I kinda really want some grandchildren, not in the next year, but at some point, ya know?
I’ve been single my whole life. It’s not something I like but I have major, intense trust and esteem issues all stemming from my dad.
I don’t think just because you’re in a relationship that you’re “missing out.” You have something we are all searching for (or most of us). You have found love and learned how to keep it. People judge because they think back on their experiences. But remember, it’s what they experienced. Everytime you hear of a 16-year-old having a boyfriend, do you automatically think they’ll be together forever? I sure don’t.
My brother and his girlfriend have been together since they were 16 years old. They live together and have a strong, unbreakable relationship. They have a 1-year-old son and while I never figured they would still be together now, I never doubted their love for one another. Sure, they went through immature break-ups when they were in high school but they’ve been through a lot in their relationship.
As long as you are happy with who you are and your relationship, don’t worry about what other people think.
I agree with Nora, every person is different.
I think its great that you and Eric have been together for so long. You’ve both put a lot of time and effort into being together and making things work. When I was in high school/early college, I couldn’t imagine doing that. I needed to be by myself for a while to grow and change as a person.
I think you are right. I don’t like it when people say stuff like that. Or that just because it is your first serious relationship that it can’t last. That makes me think…Why could you not find the love of your life on the first real try? I think people don’t always go into relationships with their eyes open. If you really get to know the person, you should be able to judge if you think this person is going to be good for you or not. I think if you are both willing to help each other grow over the years, then you have a solid base to start from.
Do you ever find it’s the “boyfriend” term that people judge? While my scenario is slightly different, we did move across the world for each other. And when people ask why I’m here and I say “Oh my Boyfriend is from here”. They respond with an “oh……” with the “aren’t you all cute and dependent, moving around the world for a boy” implied. 4 years and 2 ’round-the-globe moves later he’s no longer just my “boyfriend”. He’s not my husband or fiance either, although in the eyes of the government he’s my “spouse partner”. But using the term partner, immediately implies that my partner is a female. And while I don’t particularly care, it gets awkward to clarify further….
I think there needs to be an in-between term for a long-term boyfriend who is not a fiance but no longer a ‘boyfriend’ in the 12-year-old sense of the word. Thoughts?
Oh boy! Statements like this drive me absolutely crazy. Just think of yourself as proving them all wrong
Hi Miss Amber
I really enjoyed your post and I often feel my own frustration come through when so many are skeptical of LDRs and of staying ‘long term’ with one person. This used to bother me a lot in the dating process but eventually ‘time will show not so much who is right, but what is true!’..Following your heart and committing to this path is the best thing you can do for you, and your honey! It sounds like you are both very committed to what is Real ~I’m so glad to hear that! I love how you shared this: we’ve sacrificed things because we love each other and want our relationship to stay alive and grow. This is why many simply cannot relate to this (it is out of their mindful zone – i used to think it was a personal attack but then saw it was simply this fact.) Most want the easy path, without the work. Stay the course, and remember you do not owe anyone a response if it makes you uncomfortable… it is your life.. and it is beautiful 
I wish you all the best!! Namaste! ~Jen
I think this is different for everyone, really. I have friends who were in relationships from high school, to college, to after and are now married. (Granted, some of them didn’t end up with the same SO as they had in HS.) For me? I was weird. I didn’t really date in high school, I had my first kiss at age 19 (!!!) and my first real boyfriend came at 21. And then after him? I took a break because he screwed me over. And then I met my fiance.
I think it’s whatever works for you. I don’t think it’s necessary for you to be single (or in a relationship, or whatever) to be who you need to be or become who you are. I know being single for such a long time solidified what I wanted in someone. And that made me pickier as the years rolled by.
But the end result is that I’m happily in love and getting married, which is totally exciting and kind of weird because I never thought it would come this soon. 
But I’m not complaining.
… And now that I’ve left a novella on your blog, I’m going to shut up…
Man, I hate how people are such know-it-alls! Annoying! And rude!
It’s so lame … there shouldn’t be any rules with love. Sure you can learn things from being single or whatever or blah blah blah … but when you have found the person that you love and that works for you and you don’t want to be with anyone else but him, why would you break up with him just to be single, just to prove a point, just because you met him too “early on in life,” according to some members of society? Ridiculous. I’m sure some people might think I’m crazy for getting married when I was 23 or maybe I should have dated more people or whatever. But haters need to shut it!
This sort of reminds me of a quote from “When Harry Met Sally” —-> “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. ” I can see how much you are in love with Eric … and I believe you guys can keep making this whole love thing work! Ha, if that makes any sense at all. XOXO
p.s. I love your mom’s comment! Too funny!