Please welcome Nora from Walking through the Rain, one of my all-time favourite blogs and an everyday read for me! Thank you for all the sweet emails and notes asking if things are OK - they are! Full post with details is coming tomorrow, I just needed some time to gather my thoughts! Now, show Nora some love 
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Like many other girls in high school I fell in love. Not with the football captain, not with the Homecoming king, but with the yearbook editor. We dated our last two years in high school and, like many normal, hormonal teenage couples, were inseparable.
As much as I loved my high school boyfriend (HSB), I was shocked when his mom asked me if we were planning on becoming engaged before we went to college. My mind reeled at this idea. Would we get engaged, particularly if we were going to different colleges?
I applied to six colleges, one of which I new HSB got into and was attending. I got into said college. I chose not to go there. I didn’t want to “follow,” him there and I also knew that it was my time to learn about myself, grow and prove to myself that we could make it as a couple even if we weren’t in the same town.
He went three hours northwest. I went two hours southwest. Five hours and about 400 miles in between us.
He packed me up for college complete with an 8×10 framed photo of him for my desk. I sent him with some pictures of us and a few other tokens of our relationship.
We used AIM (remember those days, girls?) for a few hours each day, called each other as much as possible, and exchanged sweet emails during the day. We weren’t overly-smothering nor too absent from each other’s days.
Evidently I was too absent or too smothering without realizing it, as right after my 18th birthday and a weekend of seeing each other, about six weeks into our short-term LDR, he called me to dump me. On the phone.
He had met someone else.
They started dating within two weeks.
They were together for six months.
I was devastated until well after Christmas that year.
They started dating within two weeks.
They were together for six months.
I was devastated until well after Christmas that year.
In all fairness, I don’t know if it was the long-distance factor that caused the break up. I’d say it was certainly part of it but in my heart I knew things were going downhill. The space between us was merely a catalyst for our relationship’s end which looking back was probably a good thing for me. I learned to be completely independent. I learned how to date without serious attachment. I learned how to live without men. I learned how to have guys as friends and not as boyfriends.
Would I try an LDR again? Of course. You never know unless you try and as far as I’m concerned, if you’re in love, it’s worth every ounce of (healthy) energy you’ve got to see if it will work. It takes communication, trust, honesty, love, affection, compromise and occasional surprises (visits/cards/flowers/notes). I’ve only had the opportunity for two other LDR’s but it just didn’t seem “right,” so it ended before it started.
Do I know people in LDR’s who make them work? Heck yes. Several of my very close friends are married to soldiers in the Marines/Armed Forces and have spent most of this year without their half by their side. Is it hard for them? Definitely but they are surviving. Other friends travel as part of their job 75% of the year and yet they manage to make it work with what seems like little, to no, problems.
I suppose all of this to say is that if there is a will, there is a way. And looking back, my high school boyfriend didn’t have the will which really, I’m thankful for. If for some reason Irish and I were to be separated by miles, I know I’d have the will to make it happen– and for that, I’m also thankful for.
Amber here; what do you guy’s think? Is it true that “where there is a will, there is a way” or are long-distance relationships doomed from the get-go?
{ 17 comments }
Hi Nora! I definitely agree - where there is a will, there is a way. I also think age of the people in the LDR is important - sometimes it’s easier for people when they’re near the end of college (and will be in the same place soon) than two people in their freshman year, because it’s longer for them before they can move forward.
I don’t think they’re doomed. If both people are willing to put effort into the relationship, it can work. There will always be difficult times–times they might feel like giving up–but if it’s worth it to both people, they can make it work. But it has to be BOTH people giving an equal amount of effort.
when 2 people want it to work, they’ll make it work. When 1 person in the relationship doesn’t want to make it work, it won’t work. it doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship where you live in 2 separate households, or you live together, or one is always away on business. Both people have to put the effort forth, cuz if one person doesn’t. it’s not gonna work.
LDR’s are NOT doomed from the get-go. But I do think that distance will bring out flaws/problems in the relationship.
Seriously, when you live in the same town/city, you spend a lot of time together, but you’re probably NOT talking that whole time right?
When it’s long distance, that’s all you do most of the time. Talk. Talk about everything. Add to the talking an occasional hint of frustration due to loneliness from the LDR, and you’ve got a ticking time bomb of a fight - IF the relationship was prone to problems/fighting in the first place.
Also, it might be dependent on the couple, but I think talking TOO much can be detrimental too.
My current BF and I, who I’ve been with for 5 years, went through about a 5 months stint of LD when we just got started. Due to his work situation, we could only talk once a week. You know what? It was perfect. I was never bored of hearing the same old “I miss you. How was your day? Oh you did regular stuff again huh?”. Everytime I talked to him it was exciting and full of stories on both sides.
My other LDR (I commented about it yesterday) which was disastrous & torturous? We talked every night. Or I should say we fought every night.
What’s the difference? The relationship? Probably. Was there other factors too? Probably.
I guess I’m a little biased as my long-distance relationship failed miserably (he ended up cheating on me and denying it). I know they CAN work for people, but it’s SO much effort and you miss out on all the little things.
Yieee…it sounds like you’re building up to something here with these posts, Amber…
I would imagine that an LDR is like giving a 25lb weight to each person in the relationship and asking them to hold it. And keep holding it. And keep holding it. Eventually one or both people may just drop the weight out of exhaustion. When/if that happens depends on how strong the relationship is, I’d say.
And it also depends on how each partner likes to be loved! My husband is a “quality time” kind of guy - his needs are spent when we spend time together. I like that a lot too but I’m bigger on “words of affirmation”, which I could get over the phone. So maybe I could do the LD thing better?
But I sure wouldn’t want to!!!
Sorry - “his needs are MET”
I have never commented before but enjoy reading the blog (hello!) but after three LDR posts I felt I would weigh in since boyfriend and I are entering the second year of LDR. Quit recap: after years of beating around the bush we started dating senior year of high school. Come summer, he moved to the shore where he lives every summer. So afteronly two months we were long distance. Then college rolled around and I went from NJ to TN and he went about an hour and half away from out home in PA. I was unhappy for many reasons in TN and have transferred back to go to UPenn. The hardest part of the distance so far was this past summer. After a year apart looking forward to the end of the school year summer came and he was back at the shore and I was home. He has been offered an opportunity to go to New Zealand next semester for SIX MONTHS and will be working at his college for the next few summers. The way things are now we will not spend even a week together until after college.
But we make it work.
We check our feelings with each other regularly with a sentiment that has made all this worth it: we are staying together with the belief that we will still be in in love and dating when the time comes that we can be physically together.
I have learned that it should never seem difficult or make you wish you weren’t in the relationship. No matter how sad I get I try to refrain from saying the LDR is “hard” because that implies it would be easier to not stay in it. And that is simply not true.
Hi Nora! Great post!
They definitely are not doomed. Think of it this way: My grandma & grandpa were dating & engaged before my grandpa got called up for duty during WWII. He came back safe and sound and they got married 2 weeks later. I don’t know how many letters they exchanged while he was gone, but I am sure it wasn’t more than 1 letter/week. So if there is a will, there is a way.
Seems like the most important thing for making it work is having a strong basis of the relationship. Which, from what I’ve read on this blog, you have with Eric.
Great post Nora. I truly believe that if the feelings are there and you want to make a LDR work, you can.
Thanks everyone for reading & commenting; I really believe the demise of my LDR was due to many factors and that distance really made it worse. I think that he was definitely a quality time kind of guy and not having me around didn’t work so he filled the void with someone else.
One of my favorite comments so far is Hannah’s because the sentiment she and her boyfriend have created for their relationship seems like an excellent idea. Some amount of being in an LDR has to do with good faith- knowing that you’ll want to be together after all the distance stuff is over.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to voice my experience on my LDR and perspective. I think now, as an older person, who is in love and wants to stay in love with my boyfriend I would hold the 25 pound weight as long as I can. =)
i think if there is a will there is a way. if you are both serious about each other than i think it could work. i think it takes a couple that’s completely dedicated to one another though because relationships are a lot of work by themselves, adding long distance just makes them harder.
i definitely think each ldr is different and depends on the couple. i was in one for for about six months in early 2008 and it was really hard. he was in az and i was in mn and we only saw each other 3 times during that time. i knew he was coming back to mn in may and actually planned on moving down to az the following winter to be with him. but, the funny thing is that the distance isn’t what broke us up, it was when he was here!
Great post! I agree, where there’s a will, there’s a way. If it’s meant to be I think things will absolutely work out. Not saying it wouldn’t be hard though! I admire all the wives/girlfriends/fiances that make it w/out their other half for several, several months.
Agree with Nora. The other side of the coin is: If you don’t want to make it work, you’ll find excuses. It was nice reading about your LDR stories as I’ve never been in one. Thanks for sharing.
In our relationship, we just know that this long distance part is the short term and there are too many years ahead of us to not make this work. I think if you have decided this is the relationship for you…then distance can’t stop that. If you are in it, you are in it. I heard a good line once that “being in a relationship is a consensus choice everyday”, I believe that. I wake up everyday and he is the first person I want to talk to and the last before I go to sleep. If deep down in your gut you know this is the person for you, distance won’t make a difference…it will make it harder to hug though.
I’ve grown pretty critical of LDRs, but I know they can work.
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