This post is hard for me to write - BUT in the sense of full disclosure and using my blog and writing as a way to help me better myself in all ways, not just health, I think I need to put it out there.
You know those girls who are always nagging at their husbands, boyfriends, fiancees, whatever. Ya, that’s me…
I honestly don’t mean to be a “nag”. It’s not like I get up in the morning and think, “what can I nag on Eric about today that’ll piss him off?” It’s just my personality and the fact that I very rarely think about what I’m going to say before I say it. If you ever met me and REALLY got to know me - the way my family, Eric and a few of my very close friends know me - you would realize I’m very high-strung. My mind runs at a mile a minute and sometimes words, ideas, orders come pouring out of my mouth before I can stop them.
Another issue is that I’m very much a morning person and Eric very much is not. Sometimes in the morning when I’ve already been up for a few hours and have had a few cups of coffee or gone for a run, I start talking at Eric. Not talking TO Eric, talking AT him.
“Grah, the house is such a mess, please do the dishes when you get home tonight. How was your sleep. Eric, hurry up we’re gonna be late. What should we have for dinner tonight. ERIC, you didn’t make the bed!!”
Those are a string of phrases that may or may not come out of my mouth on any given morning. Sometimes, most times, Eric takes it with a grain of salt. Other times, like yesterday morning, he gets fed up and tells me nicely (or sometimes not so nicely) to shut the f*$% up. Commence; fight.
Now, I know that I do these things. Clearly, as I’m telling you right now. Also, my mother, who knows me better than anyone, has pointed out to me that I AM a very high-strung person and if I ever met myself, I would want to kill her.
I want to change. I’ve tried to change. I’m just not entirely sure how? So, I guess I’m putting this out there because maybe if I admit my problem (problem?) to all of you guys, it will be the motivation I need to change it up and quit being such a nag on Eric. On anyone. But how can I change something that I sometimes don’t even realize I’m doing? Something that seems to be almost completely embedded in my personality? I’m really not sure what to do.
Anyways, like I said, this post was hard for me to write. I tried to be as objective as possible and probably made myself seem a little bit better than I am (I can be a real bitch sometimes). I also don’t want people to assume/think Eric should just put up with it - because, trust me, he puts up with it A LOT. But, there are also times, like in the morning when he’s tired, that he just gets fed up. And really, can I blame him?
Note: please comment on this post and tell me your thoughts - help me be less of a bitch. But please try to be thoughtful in your comments and not cruel. Like I said, this post was hard to write and put out there.
{ 37 comments }
I am very similar (minus the morning part), but I sort of got better at it but it takes tiny little steps!
Focus very hard when you’re together one day (not a stressful chore filled day) on not asking him to do ANYTHING AT ALL one day. Not even “Will you refill my glass while you’re up?”. You might be surprised at how much he does without asking, which will start the appreciation process.
Then make sure you both know your specific chores. Does he know you want him to make the bed? My husband sure didn’t know that I EXPECTED him to take out the garbage every Tuesday. He thought it was a do it if you remember it kind of deal. Now he takes it out pretty much every, and if he forgets it’s easier to pick up his slack occasionally. On the other hand, he expects me to clean the old/forgotten food out of the fridge and he flips out if he finds moldy cheese or whatever in the back.
So don’t feel bad it’s not a personality flaw to want things to be near perfect, as long as we don’t cruelly inflict our standards onto everyone around us. Whew, this was long but I hope it helps you girl!
I used to have a similar problem, except mine was with complaining. I would constantly complain and be whiney to the point that people just stopped hanging around me. It took me confiding in my closest friends and having them remind me whenever I started to do it again. Also, before I said anything negative, I took 10 seconds to rephrase it into a helpful statement because I was beginning to realize that my complaining wasn’t improving anything except in very real situations. I still do it occasionally but my friends still keep me in check and I’m so grateful for it.
Good luck trying to figure out how to fix it
There is something built into a woman’s DNA that makes you people nag. it’s not something you can fight or control, just let it happen. Eventually guys mature enough to put up with it and handle the tasks at hand, we call those people “husbands”. As long as you let eric out to run free every once in a while he’ll come back home happy and satisfied. Then you can nag him some more.
my wife nags constantly, nothing is ever done right or good enough for her. it’s nuts. but it’s something i came to accept years ago so it doesn’t bother me at all any more. I’ve even started returning the favor some.
I think this is just part of that point in a relationship where the initial good behavior wears off. It’s like, you know they love you and they’ll put up with your bullshit, so you censor the bullshit less and less because you know you can get away with it. I know that I find myself lately being really snappish with Nick where I used to be very patient with him. For me I think it’s mostly a timing thing because I am REALLY stressed out about situations at work and I think I’m letting myself take it out on Nick when I shouldn’t. But I definitely think it’s something you can overcome if you just try to make it something you remind yourself of often. I’m trying to tell myself on a daily basis, Nick is not the reason you are miserable right now, so don’t lash out at him just because he’s here. When I feel myself getting annoyed with him I try to figure out exactly WHY I’m annoyed before I say anything, in case it has nothing to do with him. It’s hard, but I’m trying!
For the record, we have tried the “let’s each just agree to do our part” thing with the chores, and for us it DOES NOT WORK. We need a chores list, period. Otherwise we are each constantly convinced that the other is doing NOTHING.
Ah, love. Good luck!
I’m a nag. And I hate it. I desperately want to change the habit, but it’s hard. In my case, I think a lot of it stems from some anxiety issues I have. I tend to lash out at my husband, often in the form of nagging, because I want things finished so that I don’t have to worry about them anymore. Having things finished just makes me feel so much better.
I don’t really have much advice beyond trying to be more cognizant of why you are nagging and asking yourself if its worth it. That’s what I’m trying to do. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. At times, I just need to remember to breathe. I’m uber high strung, so most days it’s a challenge.
I can be like this on occasion. I say something to Husband, and I realize how bitchy I sound. Lately, I’ve been trying to stop and think. If I feel annoyance or anger coming on, I take a moment to breathe and gather my thoughts before I say anything at all. That way, I either get over it, or I can say it clearly without sounding like a nag.
We are so alike. I have the same problem - or at least I did with my last boyfriend. I think he was the first person I felt comfortable enough with to let myself nag. Which is good and bad. It meant I trusted him to not walk out the door, but it was not a healthy behavior.
I think the first step is being aware of it- which you are from the sounds of it. Maybe talk to Eric about it so that he knows you are aware of how you are treating him at times? Communication always seems to be key.
I wish I had some fantastic advice for you, but I just don’t .
I think we have such similiar personalities w/ being high strung - it’s easy for me to get annoyed with others, and that is something I need to work.
Good luck, sweetie! I am sure you guys will figure it out!!
the key is to not expect anything, that way you won’t feel let down or like you were acted (or not acted in some cases) against. i know this sounds like stupid advice that has nothing to do with what you’re talking about, but that’s how i felt when i moved in with my boyfriend and he told me this. it took me almost a year, but now i don’t expect anything from anyone, it’s not their job to make me happy or simplify my life. if i want something done, i’ll ask him to do it, but i always check myself beforehand, make sure i’m calm and there aren’t any conditions on what i’m asking him for. if he doesn’t want to do it or can’t, i’m not disappointed because i didn’t expect him to agree right away. though this rarely happens as he’s always more than willing to help me, there have been a few times where he was uncomfortable with something i asked him and i had to do it myself. i try not to make a big deal out of things, but we always talk about how we’re feeling in regards to expectations or guilt trips that may pop up. it’s a tricky situation for sure, but once you have your head in the right place and you know you want to make an effort to be more conscious of your actions, it gets easier.
I think this might be a woman thing, because I am the same. And while I’m not necessarily a morning person, I DO wake up much earlier than John, and I also try to wake him up and tell him about all that’s already happened in my day, and then he just grumbles and ignores me
I’m not sure what advice to give, because I don’t think it’s necessarily something that NEEDS to change (personally). Maybe I just don’t completely understand what the problem is. Do you want to change the fact that you nag at Eric in the morning? Or just nagging in general? Maybe I’m not much help because I definitely recognize myself in what you’ve said
Aren’t you and Eric at home together a lot more because it’s summertime? I bet that is just going to take some getting used to…
I see where you’re both coming from, but I am probably more like Eric. I am NOT a morning person and I usually do not like to talk to anyone in the mornings. I hate being woken up by anything (this includes my alarm, phone or individual) and need a good hour to completely wake up.
My only advice would be to remind him of what you need the night before, and try not to remind him again in the morning. This way you’re not firing questions away at him right when he gets up. Then, I guess just try to stop and think before you talk.
Honestly though, I don’t think it’s anything you really need to change. Your heart is in the right place and you’re recognizing it now. I’m sure Eric knows that too. These are just little things about significant others that we hate to love!
OK, so like Eric, I am not a morning person, and like you, BF is a morning person. This used to be a big struggle - and fights would emerge for similar reasons you’ve mentioned. This hasn’t happened in years! Why? Because BF accepted the fact that I am NOT a morning person, and never will be. He does not speak to me whatsoever until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee and after that he will first ask me if I’ve woken up enough yet. This has taken LOADS of stress out of our mornings.
Now outside of mornings, I’ve had to learn how to not start fights when I want things done (i.e. how not to nag). I found that it mostly has to do with tone. If I am frustrated with BF for not doing something, instead of just firing off an accusation/nag, I stop, think and then ask him about it - the important part of that question is to have NO accusing or frustrated tones in my voice, and make sure my body language mimicks my voice. Communication is over 65% body language/tone/attitude. It’s not that you shouldn’t be talking about it, asking why it wasn’t done - but how you do it.
Recognizing that you’re doing something you don’t want to be doing is the first step. It doesn’t mean you’ll always have the will to stop it right there, but at least you’re recognizing the behavior. I’m not usually one to say things without thinking about them, but sometimes I get into nag mode too and that’s when I say things I don’t mean. I try to just calm down, because when I’m in bitch mode, I’m not happy either. I know that nothing annoys me more than being nagged at, so when I’m about to say something like that, I try to stop myself and just calm down instead. It gets easier once it becomes more of a habit.
That’s tough. I’m not a nagger by nature, but I do get those moments in my head where I’m like “Hello, why did you not put that bowl in the dishwasher or your towel back on the rack or clean the sink every once in a while?!” Instead, I wait for him to do it, or ask him later in the day “hey babe, can you wash the dishes?” And sometimes I just can’t stand the confrontation so instead I’ll just do it because it’s easier that way. I’m a morning person too so I’m up walking the dog and doing yoga before he wakes up many mornings. I just try not to talk to much to him until he’s awake because I realize I’m a morning person and he’s not.
You also might want to try sitting down and having a convo about those things that do bug you regularly. Like “you know, i feel like most mornings i’m just nagging you and i really hate that. I don’t want to be on your case, but I’d also like to get out of the house quickly and have things in order so when we come home it’s not a big stress on my life when I just want to relax at the end of the day. is there a way we can work to make this happen?” Something to that affect?? Might work!
I think that generally guys appreciate when you know that you’re being mean/annoying/naggy, but you want to find a way to fix it to make things better for both of you. Plus, by showing him that you don’t want to be this way, it would probably make him more willing to want to help out.
I can completely hear you with this one. I’m a nag. I’m high strung and have high expectations of myself and of others too. I also like things done right. This can come across as controlling and bitchy not to mention judgemental (you’re not doing it right…). Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it, it’s just second nature.
Its a day to day struggle, but I find if I get into that ‘nagging zone’ it’s best to walk away from the scenario or take a deep breath and ask yourself “Does this REALLY matter?” or “Is it worth the fight?” and sometimes you just gotta let things go. If something really bothers you then I’m with Amber about mentioning the night before and then leaving it be. Good on you for sharing this post, sounds like you’re already being progressive about it.
Listen to Flaws and All by Beyonce with Eric. I think the lyrics to that song say exactly what you want to say to him.
As you grow up a bit honey you will find that you don’t nag so much, but I think now that you are aware of how bad it is sometimes, you’ll change it.
I Love You!!! Even when you nag me. ;-P
I am the same way, my dear. *Sigh*
honestly — it’s HUGE for you to admit that. so that’s definitely step one.
I don’t think i’m like that solely because i have a hard time asking for help. and i’m also one of those people that’d much rather just do something myself as opposed to let boyfriend do it because I don’t feel like he’d do it the way i’d want him to do it.
so therefore i can’t help you with that part. But I do want him to do some things around the house that are some chores that i hate to do and he’ll do it. laundry, dishes, etc.
The key is to discuss chores. like there are stuff that i do want him to do — like the bathroom. I hate the bathroom! he’ll do it. once you figure out what you want each person to do it, figure out how often.
and always if they do something whether you asked or they just did on their own. Don’t forget to Thank them for doing so!! i think that’s so important. or if you realized you were nagging them, apologize for doing so.
Thanks for your honest Amber. That would be really hard to write about yourself. I think that just asking for advise means you are ready to take action.
I think if you can make yourself more self aware overall you could probably find a catch. Something that clicks in your head when you start to go into that zone. From what you have written it sounds like you are pretty clear headed while running, I would think if you can tune into that mindset in other parts of your life you might be able to view actions better or at least from a different perspective. I think it is just finding the catch in your head when things start to happen. It will probably take time and practice, but I bet you already have a small sense of this in you due to how you treat those you don’t know well.
I’m not sure if that helps, but I wish you the best of luck. I know we all have things we struggle with and I applaud you on discussing something you would like to improve for yourself. Let me know how it goes.
haha I am often totally the same way! Besides the fact I’m not a huge neat-freak, I do like things cleaner than AB does. And when it gets close to my threshold I start to nag and get a whiny annoying tone in my voice. I KNOW I do it. But I still often can’t help myself.
Or I get meanly passive-aggressive and start to be “really nice” while slamming things around the kitchen. I know it’s not acceptable and if someone did it to me I’d be pretty freakin annoyed, but I just can’t stop! I’ve been trying to catch myself doing it and stop though.
I don’t know if I have much advice. I’m the same way. Always.
I’m trying to bite my tongue more. And trying to remember what it feels like for Dan to be nagged at all the time. Because I don’t like it when he nags me. At all.
I think April gave the best advice there, I like the idea of having a day where you don’t ask him to do anything…it’s hard but with a little conscious effort, it helps!!
I used to be the EXACT same way…well kind of, I was more “how come you don’t do this” and my husband is the “the house is such a mess we should do something about it” (meaning me)…but one day I just decided to do it myself (I was also really bad for asking him to get things for me) and then the next week HE was doing the things he was suggesting we do…
I just find that people are more willing to do something if it’s their own idea…you know??
You aren’t a bitch for doing it, it’s completely normal (as you can see in the comments!!!) but it’s fairly easy to shake with a little conscious effort!!!
(Sorry for all the comments tonight!! I hadn’t had a chance to read lately, so I am catching up!)
Looks like most women are guilty of nagging so don’t feel too bad about it. It was so brave of you to admit it and that is big. You don’t have to change overnight. When you feel a nag coming, take a deep breath to collect yourself. Whatever it was you wanted to say, you can now deliver in a better tone and manner. Hope that helps.
My boyfriend and I are similar, in that I have to be a morning person because of my job, and he is the absoute oposite beause of his work schedule. It’s tough when you know you’ve got things that need to be done, but I think that you’re already making progress by writing about it. Sometimes, if you just get your thoughts out, it helps you realize what you want to change and how, just by re-reading your own words. Good luck!!
When that starts to happen with us it usually has nothing to do with the what’s being nagged about. There’s usually an under lying issue….so we just deal with that. Its amazing what a two min conversation will do…..lol…..and then no more nagging. I was terrible in my early 20’s that’s for sure!! I owned the world and everyone in it better be at my becken call NOW! Well I’ve grown out of it, its much nicer to be nice then to be nagging people all the time. My mind was going going going and I didn’t have much time to think about other peoples feelings or what they thought of me. It started to get old for me and for others and I just realised it wasn’t working very well.
Your not alone buddy
Wow, I felt like I was reading my own writing! Seriously, I can relate to just about everything in your post! I’m a perfectionist I guess…and probably a control freak…and my poor fiance is definitely not! Sometimes I have to remind myself to CHILL OUT. And I have to watch that I don’t get too mean. I don’t want to take him for granted…something that is easy to do.
Just know that you aren’t alone and other girls struggle with this, too! It’s hard to admit it…you’re courageous for doing so!
As a guy, I can tell you now that there is nothing that drives you more crazy than a woman who constantly nags. However…
If you love someone, you love them because of their flaws, not despite them. Plus we all need a nagging from time to time - behind every man is a good woman. Also, men have the ability to tune out nagging - it comes at an early age with interactions with our mums. So even though we may seem like we’re having a conversation with you and acknowledging everything you say, secretly we haven’t got the faintest idea as we are probably not listening and thinking about something else entirely.
If you are really bad though, and clearly if he is not a morning person, then bite your tongue and let him at least have a shower and a cup of coffee first!
my bit of advice is to let it go… just take a deep breath when you feel overwhelming “heat” coming toward your tongue and you’re ready to spit something out. stay grounded too and just out loud say what’s going on to yourself instead of yelling at eric like… the bed isn’t made okay well maybe i should make it instead of thinking he should have to (okay this might sound really odd and hard but trust me after a while it will work and you will feel less tense about everything!!) staying grounded is keep it keeps you calm and also looking at the positives like if he didn’t make the bed well what did he do that was nice… and maybe it wasn’t that he did anything maybe it’s just that he’s there and that’s the positive for the day! i don’t know if that helps? just my experience with men because man they can get to you reallyyyy fast!!
This must be something inherent in most women. Reading the book “Love and Respect” helped.
Everyone has their “issues”, if you will, and the only way to work through them is to acknowledge, accept and try to change. It’s important that the other person knows that you are working on changing so you can have their support and encouragement because it is never easy to accept you don’t like something about yourself. Keep at it, ask for help, and be patient. Change takes time! Good luck girl
Oh its totally me too and i’ve just settled into it, and accepted it!
First of all, kudos to you for writing this post. I know it can be hard to fully disclose things at times.
Secondly, we all have things like this that we do. Mine? Sometimes I get annoyed for NO GOOD REASON when Irish wants to hang out with his friends. I like his friends, I want Irish to be happy, I like time to myself, yet for some reason, on certain days, it sets me off. Cue: FIGHT! I have worked on it a lot, so that most of the time it doesn’t bother me at all and other days I just have a huge problem with it. I don’t get it.
Despite the fights you and Eric my have about it, he probably accepts the nagging at him as part of you and in some small way, loves you for it.
It happens to the best of us, but the fact that you are acknowledging it is a HUGE step!
Hugs!!!
I’m one of those mind a mile a minute, antsi, mid to high-strung people too (I say mid to high-strung because I certainly know people MORE high-strung than me, but not too too many; plus I’ve calmed down a lot over the last few years.)
I’ve gone through times where I’ve been naggier than others but what finally broke it was when my ex was sent off to the gas chamber at basic training. It was a wake up call of “He’s going to be sent to war, does it really matter if he leaves his socks on the floor for a day?” That and the acceptance that some things, we just have to deal with…breathing helps a lot I find. So does running and wine (not at the same time!)
The hardest thing I’ve learned is to take a deep breath and ask myself if what I’m about to harp on really matters in the grand scheme of things and asking myself if someone is doing it to hurt me intentionally or drive me mad? If the answer is no (likely) then I let it go.
I hope my ramblings are helpful. :-/
you know i feel we all catch ourselves doing things that we don’t want to be doing sometimes. Thats when the most important thing is to take a step back adn figure out what you want to change. take small steps, they’ll all be worth it. before you start nagging, take a few breaths, let it go, and figure out what you want to say and how to say it so that you’ll feel better and so will everyone else. You are a wonderful person, we all know that, so i know this must be hard for you. we’re al here for you and will help you through this <3
Yep, I did this to my exboyfriend all the time. It was terrible, but I think it’s just sort of part of my personality.
Oh dang, I guess I must confess that I can be quite naggy. Which is ridiculous because I’m the lazy one that won’t clean her car or the kitchen or her piles of clothes around the house. But somehow I can’t stop picking on my boy, telling me do this or don’t do that or blah blah stop playing videogames, etc etc. It’s bad times. I guess it’s just a daily challenge to be the best, nicest person you can be - and try and hold your tongue!
Oh don’t worry hon, this is very common. I get accused of being a nag to my boyfriend too, and I accuse him of being lazy. The best advice I can give you is to let him be him and you be you. You can be high-strung and a morning person, but if he prefers to stay up late then that’s sort of his deal. Ask yourself if it’s really, truly an issue: is it causing a legitimate problem for you? If not, just let it go. If it is a legitimate problem, set up a time to sit down and talk about it calmly later. That way you won’t feel compelled to nag, but you can still let him know how you feel.
Also, it’s so cliche, but try to think of how you would feel if you were in someone else’s shoes. Would you want to be nagged in the morning? Again, even if you let it go, you can always talk about it later.
You’re so brave to admit this on your blog, I really hope you find the strength to overcome it!
~Amanda
Kudos for writing a blog about this Amber!! Like many other people have said, admitting that you want to change is always the best start.
I think that you should sit down with Eric and talk with him about this. See what he thinks would be a middle ground and ask for his help. Compromise is always a good way to go. You may have to let Eric do things himself once he wakes up in the morning if he is not a morning person. I know it is so hard to realize something that you do subconsciously… it will just take lots of thinking and analyzing your own actions. Everyone has their flaws, and really… you don’t have a whole lot of them!!
You’ll do great Amber. Just chat with Eric and try your best to put yourself in Eric’s shoes and see how it would feel if he talked to you like that all the time - treat him how you would like to be treated right? 
xoxo
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