I’ve seen this quote floating around lately, and I want to share my thoughts on it:
Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life; love shouldn’t be one of them.
I don’t agree with this quote, and I’m speaking from personal experience.
Does everyone remember that exhilirating feeling you have when you’re in a new relationship? You can’t stop thinking about the person, your stomach flutters when they text or call you, you miss them minutes after they’ve gone, all you want to do is be with them, every minute of every day. Other things get put on the backburner because all you can think about is how in love you are.
I would hate to spend my entire life living like that.
Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having those feelings at the beginning of a relationship. It’s fun, it’s new, it’s exciting.
It’s also nervewracking, scary and impossible to concentrate on anything else.
If I hadn’t stopped feeling like that, oh, about three or four months after Eric and I started dating would I be where I am today? No. I wouldn’t have gotten through the last three years of college, especially the first two living three hours apart, I wouldn’t have ran a half-marathon, I wouldn’t have travelled too Germany last summer, I wouldn’t be putting all of my energy into my career right now. How could I if all I can think about is my relationship?
Maybe that’s just me, but I believe that MEDIOCRE love is OK too, sometimes. I’m not afraid to admit that right now my relationship is on the backburner compared to other things in my life. Eric and I are focussing on our careers, I’m running, spending time with friends; we’re busy. At the end of the day do we want to rip each others clothes off and make mad, passionate love? No. We want to go to sleep, usually not even touching cause it’s so freaking hot here we get sweaty if we sleep to close.
During the day my mind is consumed with my work. When Eric and I first started dating I couldn’t concentrate on anything but him, he was on my mind constantly. Now, I don’t think about him much between the time I drop him off at school and the time I see him when I get home. I’m focussed on other things. Does this mean our relationship is failing, or we aren’t meant for each other? I don’t think so, I think it just means that we are comfortable and secure enough in our relationship to put other things first right now. One day, I’m sure our relationship will bump back up the priority list, but for now, it’s OK with us to have it on the backburner.
I should clarify, that we still tell each other we love each other every day, we share multiple kisses and hugs throughout the day, and I do miss him when I go away. Just not so much that it makes me not want to go.
What do you guy’s think about all this? Do you agree or disagree with the above quote? And how does your relationship (or past relationships) measure up?
PS: I’ve been perusing Google Analytics and there’s A LOT of readers out there who aren’t commenting! I think this is a topic we can all speak to so I’d LOVE to hear your two cents, all opinions matter here. I will also be responding to comments via my own comment in the comments section here, so if you ask me a question make sure you check back to get the answer!
Now, tell me what you think!
{ 35 comments }
I think there are different incarnations of love. So no, I don’t agree the above quote fits for all people. I don’t actually think it is realistic for a vast number of people. For some, maybe it is possible to have that all consuming LOVE feeling all the time, but for others (me included), it’s just not going to happen. My love for my dude has grown into something different, but it’s still a strong love, which I think is more important to me than passion. I do still get butterflies, which I think is important, but constant butterflies would not suite me (or him for that matter).
Hmmmm, this is a toughie. I posted this quote on my blog a bit back. I absolutely love it. I agree that when you are in a relationship you need to settle in and just live, but I also think that you can’t be in a “mediocre” relationship where the love is mediocre. The love has to be passionate inside, even if that’s not always communicated on the outside. Does that make any sense?
after 10 years of marriage i can tell you that mediocre would be nice. you eventually settle down into familiarity and routine and learn to appreciate it. if the kids don’t injure themselves, it’s a good day.
I am in total agreement with you on this one, Amber. I would much rather have comfort and security in a relationship than the constant roller coaster ride that is “mad, passionate, extraordinary love.” I also disagree that just because one is comfortable and secure in their relationship that it makes it mediocre. There are many different ways to be passionate in love and in a relationship, and I think the ultimate passion is when you find someone who truly loves you unconditionally, and vice versa.
Love changes. Sure it starts out all crazy and good and you have the warm fuzzies. But overtime it changes. Do I still sometimes smile and get giddy when my hubby walks in the door at night after being gone all day? Sure. Other days, I’m like, ugh I just want to be alone, you interrupted my time. Does that mean I love him less on those days? No, it means I am human.
I love/hate having that feeling the butterflies, the heart so full, it’s gonna burst, missing someone so much you can’t eat or sleep.
I don’t know how anyone can feel that all the time unless they are obsessive? I’d have to take anti depressants!
I totally agree. I mean really, those first few months of dating are exciting…but exhausting! My boyfriend is a solid constant in my life, and I think that’s much more important than butterflies or twitterpatedness.
Husband and I have only been together (officially) for two and a half years (married for one). I still get that feeling of excitement, but it’s not an EVERY DAY thing like it used to be. Some days, we’re just like, “meh, hey” and other days, I seriously cannot wait to get home from work so that I can see him. It’s normal, not “mediocre.” I like it that way, too. It keeps us from being obnoxious.
While I definitely believe strongly in never settling for less, I’m not sure how I feel about that quote. The insinuation that there is only one kind of “true” romantic love, and any other iterations are a waste of one’s time helps foster false expectations. There’s enough portrayal of that in the media; movies and songs and books. Real people, and their real feelings and relationships, are not that simple.
)
I’m 29 years old. I’ve had enough mad passion and stuff that I could write a book about it (which I might
While it’s not at all on my priority list at this point in my life, I’d eventually like to find the kind of love that, when the mad passionate feelings go away - which they eventually will - I don’t feel that anything has been lost.
I don’t think that’s mediocre, but maybe mediocre is just relative.
Also hi, just started reading your blog and thought I’d throw in my two cents!
Hm…I am really on the fence with this one!! I DON’T agree with the quote…but I also don’t think that love should become “mediocre” because that means that you aren’t placing importance in love…in which you should. And I don’t even mean romantic love, ALL love!!! For me, I have a few great loves: my husband, my pets (essentially my babies) and my niece. I tell each of these people/creatures that I love them every day, I think about them constantly, I miss them terribly.
It doesn’t stop me from going places because I know our love is strong and that as long as we love each other we will always come back…in the case of my husband, we have been together for 10 years and I still get butterflies whenever he calls/emails/texts me and I get lightheaded when he kisses me…I don’t think it consumes my life…someone mentioned earlier that it’s a STRONGER love, and my reactions to it just keep getting stronger as well.
That isn’t to say that we don’t just chill on the couch or high five each other instead of sharing a kiss at times…but to me, that doesn’t mean that we love each other any less…I could never describe our love as mediocre…I think our love is a great love.
I have a love/hate relationship w/ the early stages of a relationship. It’s fun & exciting, but it is so dang stressful. I always look forward to 3-6 months down the road where I am not questioning where this is going, or I don’t have to feel like we have to take turns calling each other, blah blah blah. I think you’ve seen “he’s just not that into you” - justin long’s character has a good quote about the ’spark’ and how is just kind of messes w/ people at times.
I think there is a happy medium. And I think it’s healthy/important for you & Eric to have other goals you are working towards. From what you describe, it sounds like you have a healthy relationship. You still make time for each other & do things together, etc.
I don’t your relationship w/ Eric falls into the ’settling’ category whatsoever!
Where did the quote come from and what’s the context? I hope it wasn’t a self help book! LOL ;p
Some parts I agree with, the last half……but that depends on the relationship though. Love and a relationships are ever changing, at first its crazy then you settle in and get comfortable and then it might get crazy again and so on, you make it what you want right….for some people its 50 years of crazy passion and others more or less become best friends. Steve and I have been together for 3 years and its been crazy….lol but we both like it like that, we have a great balance of work, friends and us. I wouldn’t waste a minute of a “meh” kinda love either…..i’m so not a settler…..but we’ll see how things change when we’re married for 10 years with kids…..lol as for now its all butta
honestly love is something that i believe you need to feel every day when you see the person you are with…I believe being comfortable and bored with the current person you are dating might make your future life together more difficult. You need to feel excited, have butterflies every time you see them….I had only experienced this kind once, and sadly it ended, but I am glad I got to experience the ‘passionate’ kind of love because now I know how I should feel around a person I am giving my time, feelings and heart to. Settling shouldn’t be a fear. But when it comes time to walk down an aisle and your heart isn’t “in it” then thats when one should reconsider…think of Bride Wars. Just because you are with someone for 10 years doesn’t mean you must get married. my brother learned that lesson the hard way and got a divorce 2 years after his marriage.
Great feedback today everyone! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
@Jen– I really, really love how you put your comment. You’re right, love shouldn’t be mediocre, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be passionate and mad either. I think “strong love”, as you put it, is the best kind.
I just want to clarify that I don’t necessarily think my love is “mediocre”. I used that word because the quote used it. I don’t feel as if I am settling, I just feel that my love is not constantly passionate because there are also other things in my life that I’m passionate about that I’m focussing my energy on right now. That’s not to say I’m not passionate about Eric or our relationship, because I am. I love it, I love us. It’s just a different kind of love than what we used to have!
Thanks again for all the great comments today, love it
XO
love this post. it’s funny because yeah we definitely had butterflies. but the first 1 1/2 year of our relationship we only saw each other on the weekends. so that cut into my social life with friends. do i regret it, not so much, because it just proved to me that some friends i thought were friends, weren’t.
now that it’s just him and me living together, i definitely feel like we’re in a good place, we’re happy, we do things together and apart. I have no problems going to my parents’ house without him. he goes out quite a bit to network for his music, i don’t go with him. If it was our first year in a relationship i guarantee I would be there with him, but now it’s nearly 3 1/2 years, I’m like meh. I don’t care. you go out, network & i’ll see you later. it actually shocks my neighbor that he goes out without me a lot.
i don’t feel like he’s ignoring me cuz we still do try to eat dinner together most nights. but my job’s consuming my life. his music’s consuming his life. we know we’ve got decades to be together. this is just part of life!
I think love goes through cycles of emotions and change. I’m not surprised at all that six months into a relationship, the man and I still don’t mind spending every minute together. I don’t want that to change, but I know ultimately it has to and it will. As we grow together as a couple and continue to learn more about each other, it won’t be necessary to be around each other all the time. But for now the passionate cycle is just fine with me.
I also think that people are different. I’m not saying that what I want in my relationship won’t change, but I know I’m a romantic and I want someone who is going to be in the relationship, engaged and caring 110%. If that starts to waver, I might have to move on.
And I think saying I love you each day is very important. Just the act of reaffirming that yes, this thing you have together is important and you haven’t forgotten.
I completely and totally agree with you Amber. I feel however that the quote should definitely apply to a good relationship SOMETIMES. I basically spend my days with the boy, exactly like you do. Like exactly. However, when we have to time to really focus on each other, it is extraordinary. I think this has a lot to do with the people we’ve allowed ourselves and each other to become while in each other’s company. I know that if I were neglecting my life, I wouldn’t feel too good about anything and hence, it will affect my relationship anyways. I don’t like unambitious people and so, if my boy weren’t the way he is now, I doubt that we’d be together! I just wouldn’t respect it! In the end, I think that the quote is right if not taken too literally. It’s never going to be like that all the time and I agree with you, that’s okay.
I Disagree with this comment. I think it is perfectly NORMAL to be mediocre at some point in your relationship.
NOW…. if you are married for years and all of a sudden your relationship takes a plunge to BORING, then maybe its time to spice things up a bit… With your age/situation/career status I think its fabulous that you BOTH are on the same level of comfort. You guys have gone through this “less invovled” satge before and it worked out to be perfect!! If you couldnt find a happy medium then there would be a problem!! It takes a strong couple to stay commited during times like this.
SOME PEOPLE cant do this…..
XOXOXO
I think people pass around these kinds of quotes without really thinking about them. They sound good and that’s enough. It’s not fair that by comparison to this crazy, all-consuming love, yours gets labeled mediocre. If love was always that consuming, I would never get around to doing all the other stuff I want to do! The butterflies are nice for a while, though.
Funny as I was just thinking about this the other day as Irish and I approach our one year anniversary.
We are still madly, deeply in love and he’s one of the only people who can brighten my day, make me laugh until I cry and with one hug fix the problems of the world.
But are there tons of butterflies? No. I think that if someone wants the butterflies, you have to create them. Go out of your way for each other. But that’s not to say that we should always do sweet things. Each person MUST live their life. I’m going to school and working. Irish is working 11 hour days. Do we cuddle and make out? Yes. But are we constantly running into bed to get it on? No. (Who has energy for that? I blame work and stress, personally.) But we do have those days or weekends where we act like we just met, can’t keep our hands off each other, staring into the sunset together and etc.
I think the best part about a solid relationship is realizing that you will go through phases and that those phases are normal. As long as you are both in tune and aware of what is going on in your relationship, happy and in love, then the passion level, the butterflies, the nerves, they aren’t necessary. A relationship can’t be all peace/love/sex. It is just not possible (unless your John Lennon & Yoko Ono). It can be learning to grow as individuals and as a couple, supporting each other during some really tough times, providing TLC when needed and so much more…
I hope this is the kind of feedback you wanted!
I do agree with you. I think its be a little exhausting to be in that first love obsessed relationship ALL the time. On the opposite spectrum, I don’t think you should feel like you’re settling for medicracy. But there is a definite comfort level that comes in after you’ve been in a relationship long enough. I guess, that was a little all over the place, but its hard to give a precise answer to this.
I love Nora’s comment about having to create the butterflies, especially when you’re “comfortable” in a relationship. I’m still waiting for the right guy, but it’s always fun to create excitement when you can…little surprises, emails, etc. It’s all about being creative, but sometimes there is no time/energy for that. You sure sparked an interesting debate on this one : )
i agree and disagree with the quote. i would hate to end up in a relationship or marriage that didn’t have passion or became stale after some time. but i definitely think there comes a point in a relationship where the heat dies down to a simmer, even though there are still strong feelings there.
i’m happy to be in a relationship where we can’t stop kissing each other and get giddy to come home from work each day. but i’m sure as time goes on that will fade a little. and that’s ok, as long as there is always the traits present that brought us together in the first place.
I agree with the comment in one sense, that you shouldn’t let love be mediocre, but that doesn’t mean leaving everything on the back burner like you said!! You’re completely right, life would be CRAZY if everyone in love put the rest of their life on hold for that intense, passionate fluttering feeling. BUT, I think also that you should do little things to remove the mediocre from your relationship to keep the love alive and flourishing. Of course, there are extremes to everything, and as long as you can keep your love life spicy without it interfering with everything else in life, then you’re on the right track!
Great post Amber!
I totally agree with you … I don’t think you can keep up that crazy passionate making out at all times beginning stage of love. That is just stuff of movies and love songs - I don’t think it’s realistic. But I think the steady love which is built on shared experiences and memories, trust and really knowing one another and caring about one another is worth more in a sense. (Because you can also have that making out mixed in too … It’s like the best of both worlds.) I like an earlier comment that someone made where they said that just because you’re not always passionate in bed (or rather, that this isn’t the basis of your relationship, isn’t its defining characteristic) doesn’t mean your love isn’t passionate. A passionate love can mean that you LOVE LOVE LOVE your partner, want the best for them, believe in them, would do anything for them. So, looking at passionate love that way, then I do agree with the quote — I think you should be truly in love with your partner. If a person feels like they’re just going through the motions of the relationship/just staying with the other person out of convenience/etc etc then I think you should get out because you shouldn’t feel mediocre towards your partner. I think life is too short for that biznass!
From the future psychologist’s perspective…
I remember ranting about this somewhere recently, but can’t remember where. Hopefully it wasn’t here. If so, here’s round #2.
I agree with you, but I don’t think that kind of love/relationship is “mediocre.” I think it’s BALANCED. There’s a huge difference. That’s not the rant, but this is: I HATE the old concept of “You complete me.” No, no one else can complete you. You have to be a complete person and then you have to find someone who COMPLIMENTS you. Having someone complete you, which is basically what that quote suggests, means that you pretty much have to have a dependency complex. Not healthy! I do agree that love shouldn’t be mediocre, but comfort, security, and KNOWING that other person is going to be there isn’t mediocrity. It’s balance. It’s real. It’s a good relationship. It’s not that first flightly moments of “Oh my god I love him is he going to break up with me?” I suppose the quote is subject to interpretation, but I’m sure you get my point!
Love is great, don’t get me wrong, but consuming love isn’t so great. There is more to life than being with someone’s girlfriend. You have to live for yourself also and do things that make you happy.
I think there should always be some passion in a relationship. But passion doesn’t have to be the physical lust or butterflies or nervousness that romantic movies pimp it out to be. It is passionate to me when you care about your SO enough to go out of your way for him/her, to do something sweet and unexpected, to tell them how much they mean to you. There’s passion in putting another person’s happiness as a priority in your life. If you have that, then everything else should fall into place.
I also think there is a fine line between “comfortable” and “lazy”. Comfortable is good- it means you’ve been together for awhile, love each other, and are secure in your relationship. Lazy is when you don’t bother to put effort into the relationship anymore, and you cease to care if your SO is happy. I love comfortable, but I can’t stand lazy. Lazy to me is synonymous with “mediocre”. Comfortable is just a sign of real love. The trick is distinguishing between the two. Chances are if both people are happy, they’re comfortable.
~Amanda
I agree with you but I just don’t like the word “mediocre.” I would never want to label my love as such, just as I know you said you don’t– that’s just what the quote said. But yes, after the initial thrill of the chase and the butterflies and all that, a relationship will turn more comfortable and less exciting. But this change doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship isn’t “true love.” the hope is that after that superficial infatuation goes away, what is left is a stronger, deeper bond that, while on the surface may not appear as passionate, is true love. I think genuine love is a mixture of both passion and comfort, loving a person even when it is not all excitement all the time. no one can live up to that and like you said, there are other things in life to devote your energies too! love is complicated and it all depends on the situation but yeah, there is my two cents and I hope in makes sense!
Thanks for you comment and I love the hair!
Will def have to add you to my blog roll. Great post too… although I gotta say, being single and all, I miss the new relationship butterflies… but I also love when you settle into that routine of the relationship so much more. Stay true to yourself!
I agree with this wholeheartedly… I LOVE where B and I are right now, a year later. Is it the same breathless, passionate, all-consuming love it was when we met? No… but it’s so much better.
And I don’t think comfortable love is “mediocre”… I still love him utterly, completely. I never want to spend a minute without him as my Person. It’s just a different kind of love… and honestly, I find it much more fulfilling.
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and I would not say that our love is mediocre. I still think about him a lot but it is balanced. I miss him very much but I’m spending my summer 11 hrs. away in a different city. I can function easily without him (I have always been VERY independent) but our love is still mad passionate and extraordinary. The best part of my day is when I talk to him on Skype.
So, I’m catching up on bloggage….It’s been crazy lately.
I totally agree with you A. I think that intensity that you get from being in a new relationship is a wonderful feeling, but I’m also glad it wears off a little. I think the feeling fades as you become more comfortable and confident in the relationship. You don’t have to jump every time they call, because it isn’t a surprise because your relationship has been established. What I do love is when you do get butterflies at random times due to something that he says or does.
Also on the comment part - isn’t it weird that so many people will read your blog but not comment on it or follow? I thought that was weird. I always appreciate your comments to know someone else is enjoying my thoughts. I have more posts to comment on now…
i’ve commented on someone else’s blog who wrote about this same thing. i don’t like the quote at all. i think in order to get to any sort of real and honest love, you have to go through the hard, easy, messed up, and crazy loves. without any experience in the other “mediocre” loves, how are you going to know you’ve finally found the true love?
What’s google analytics??
Anyways, this was a GREAT post, because you’re right: if we felt the exact same way we did at the beginning, nothing in life would ever get done!! And I also think that the love between two people is never quite the same as the love between two other people. For example, John and I’s best friends (who are now married), and their love is NOTHING like ours…but I’m not doubting how much they love each other either…ANywyas, like I said, great post
ps: I think I could call your blog one of my “guilty pleasures” because I’ve been keeping it until today before reading it
Can’t wait to see what else you’ve been up to!
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