Me after MY very first half marathon, Nashville Country Music Half Marathon in 2006.
I usually write about my runs or training for half/full marathons, but since my last marathon a month ago, my bum knee has forced me to not only get a little more creative with my workouts, but with my writing.
Long story short, I’m 26 and started dating my bf about four months ago. Things are going great, especially with this being my first real relationship and all. Does that make me lame? Anyone else out there wait a LONG time to find that first love? College friends always told me I was too picky and I just said “well, I don’t want just anyone, I’m looking for the right one to come along.”
Plus, my high school group of friends were close. So close we’re all graduated from college and living in cities all over the west coast and even one in Utah and we still manage to talk on the phone, email and even hang out several times a year. Our friendships were so important that boys were hardly a priority. Or maybe that was the way we excused ourselves from being lame… Eh, we all turned out ok.
Fast forward to today and I think my high school self would be laughing at me now. I went from one strong, independent, crazy busy, happier by herself kind of girl to the one who doesn’t go an hour without thinking about her boyfriend, hoping he’ll text, giddy to see his face at the end of a long day. Granted, I’m still crazy busy, strong and independent, but…
The thing is, four months in, we’ve reached that comfortable phase. The phase in which men seem to decide they no longer have to try. I remember the days when he’d regularly offer to spend the night at my house, make dinner, pick me up for dates, call at 5:01 to see what the plan was for the evening. And now? Comfort. He lets me walk HIS dog by myself while he stays watching tv, the offering of coming over is scarce and sometimes I feel like I have to do nothing short of sitting on his lap for him to realize I’m next to him. Ok, this sounds bad. Don’t get me wrong, I like comfort, but I like the snuggly hoodie sweatshirt comfort, not the 20lb extra belly fat comfort.
Myself and the man friend’s dog.
I hope know it’s not intentional, but I feel taken advantage of. After all, I’m still trying here. I’m cooking new recipes for dinner that I know he’ll like, I’m always willing to spend the night at his place and I try to give him extra attention. Why is it that guys just can’t see when they’re not pulling their weight?? Short of telling him regularly I’d want to feel special around him, I’m feeling frustrated and out of ideas. With just four days left until I’m off to Europe for three weeks, I know now’s not the time to be dramatic, but I also know this will continue to upset me until things get better.
He’s a great guy, I promise. I just want to feel like we’re pulling equal weight in the relationship. But then again, maybe that’s too much to ask.
You tell me. How do you handle your man when things get a little TOO comfortable? What do you say?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
My husband and I are comfortable. We’ve been married for almost a year, but we’ve lived together for two. When it gets “too comfortable,” I suggest we do something fun (something we’ll BOTH enjoy) outside of the house. Or even cooking dinner together at home. It can bring the little spark back, usually.
If finances allow it, you may even be able to take a mini-vacation together. Or even separately. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder.) For instance, I’ve not been away from my husband in two years. In a month, though, I’m taking a weekend vacation with a girl friend of mine, and I know that when I return, we’ll miss each other so terribly that that little spark will return!
This may sound silly but sometimes I make deals with my boyfriend. Like I’ll give you a night of dinner made by me followed up with a surprise if you plan something fun for us the following weekend. It works every time =)
Communication is key also. Find a way to approach the situation calmly and tell him that you are still totally crazy about him but you don’t want to be too comfortable. Ask him to join you on the walks you take with his dog. Ask him to talk to you in the kitchen while you cook or to help with dishes afterwards. Maybe he enjoys you doing all of these things and doesn’t know if he should help or if he would be in the way?
Choose one night a week that is just about the two of you. No phones. No internet. No computer. No tv. That will help!
Or start a fun project together… like a 1,000 piece puzzele.
The connection and spark finding is in the little things.
Sometimes it’s too easy to be comfortable and then we forget to put work into our relationships!
Hope these ideas help and that the spark returns.
That's so exciting that you leave for Europe in 4 days!!
As Nory said, I would choose a day of the week that will be date night. My friend & her husband did this when they were dating and she said it was the best thing they did for their relationship. They took turns planning the evening.
I hope you figure out a way to approach it, though. It's tough when you feel like you are giving so much!
Oh, I am SO with you on this one. My boyfriend (first real bf here too) and I have been together for going on three years, and this past six months or so has been one looong slide into the comfort zone. He rarely makes plans anymore, isn’t really excited when I make plans, never wants to stay the night, and the “sweetness” that was there in the beginning is really starting to fade. We go on dates once in every few months, at most. It makes me sad, because those are some of the things I enjoyed most about our relationship and although I like being comfortable around him, and I love being his best friend essentially, I don’t want all the romance to disappear. I’ve been talking him into making more plans lately, so I hope we’ll snap out of it soon. But otherwise, guys are so freaking lazy when it comes to relationships, I think they just assume that it will take care of itself (and it doesn’t).
If anything, maybe you going to Europe will snap him out of it? If not, having a casual talk about how you want him to match your effort might help. That’s my plan anyway
Good luck!
~Amanda
sounds like you need to shake him out of the comfort zone. maybe get him running too?
of course, comfort could also be a sign of “taken for granted” that you will always be around. that only goes in two directions, either engagment ring or splitsville. comfortable like “i want you around for a lot longer” or comfortable like “i don’t care if you stay or go?” I’ve ended many decent relationships for the second kind of comfort.
lazy i know but it happens. now i’ve been married for 10 years.
I feel like I have to put a LITTLE input in here. I married my first real boyfriend…we have been together for almost 9 years and married for 6.
A lot of times I think I am being taken for granted but when I step back and look around, I am doing my fair share of advantage taking as well…I might be the one cooking all the dinners, but he is cleaning up the house constantly while I take a “breather”.
To keep things “lively” - we plan dates (once a week usually), hang out with other couples, hang out separately (this helps because then you are excited to see each other). We always eat dinner together AT THE TABLE, we work out together and we always spend about an hour together (at least) every night - whether we are watching something I want to watch or playing rock band…we are still interacting and having a good time together.
Comfort CAN be a good thing - I completely agree with what “Carolina John” said…it really depends what kind of comfort you are feeling!
Thanks for all the great advice and feedback ladies! It’s nice to get a variety of perspectives and know that i’m not the only one.
When that happened in our relationship, I just told my bf straight up that I wanted more romance, and for him to do more nice things without me having to ask. It worked! Sometimes guys just don’t realize they’re starting to look like primates lol! Hope you two work it out
Amber, can’t wait to hear your recap of the race!
Ughhh, first off, guys are STUPIDDDDDDDD. take it from girl who’s been dating since she could crawl, literally. i had my first kiss in kindergarten, and i’ve pretty much been attached to one guy or another ever since. just NOW, and i finally realizing that its time to take care of me and become more independent. i give you credit for not conforming to the whole dating/relationship lifestyle in high school and college. thats saying alot.
i’ve definately had my fair share of ‘comfort’ and ‘too much comfort’. the ‘too much comfort’ where they dont even bother to put deodarent on or brush their teeth for you anymore. (UMM, GROSS!), and i have to admit…i kinda conformed to the comfort stage a little too (stopped putting effort into my appearance because i knew he’d still love me even without it on, etc).
When too much comfort became an issue, i usually tried to plan something for both of us to do that neither of us had ever done..a new adventure, and stepping WAYYY out of the comfort zone, and relying on eachother to get us through.
the fact that you’re leaving for three weeks, should be a huuuuge sign to him, that he needs to step up his game cuz he’s gunna miss the crap out of you. but maybe once you’re gone, he’ll realize how much he took the time you had together for granted, and will show you that attention again when you get back.
if not…drop his ass girl!
I’ve been dating my bf for around 2.5 years, and this is really my first relationship too. We are the in comfort zone, but I would classify it more as developed a routine. We are also living together which I think makes a big difference, since we don’t have to worry about who is sleeping over at whose apartment and they we are always together.
P.S. I wanted to tell you I post as cali_shenandoah on Glamour if you’re looking for me!
I think sometimes it’s hard- men and women get comfortable in different ways. I think sometimes women tend to get comfortable faster while guys don’t analyze things as much so they’re more neutral in certain situations. I know that’s a very broad generalization but in a lot of situations it’s been that way for me/friends.
I think — in my relationship– boyfriend’s WAY too comfortable. and I’m nudging him on that. Mostly because i’ve been working a whole lot of overtime without any compensation. and I’ve got other stuff going on too — pilates on wednesday night. a standing monday night date with my 1 year old niece. so that’s 2 nights with no dinner ready for him when he comes home. so I’ve been telling him, You need to start making your own dinners. no going out, no tv dinners. he knows how to cook the basics. just get on it.
and another thing, we recently bought bikes, so i think that’s something else that’s gotten us out of our comfort zone, we have other stuff we can do together or on our own. it’s a give and take.
when we get too comfortable I take away the laptops from the living room, or suggest we go to dinner alone. You’d be surprised how much taking distractions away can spark up conversation, or spark up anything else for that matter
lol